OVER THE NEXT month, football pundits/commentators/managers/players will inevitably seem more inescapable than ever.
The extensive coverage being given to Euro 2012 will have many consequences for TV viewers, not least their being subjected to an abundance of football speak.
With that in mind, we’ve decided to pre-empt our broadcast journalist friends with a not-so-subtle warning encompassing what not to say during the tournament’s course.
And keep in mind, it relates only to the Euros, so the many pearls of wisdom of Jamie Redknapp and his Sky colleagues unfortunately had to be omitted as if the Premier League never existed to begin with.
Anyhow, without further ado, here’s the list, without an ‘unbelievable Jeff’ in sight:
(John Walton/EMPICS Sport)
50. “Never write off the Germans.”
Likely to be said by: anyone willing to ignore the fact that Germany haven’t won a major tournament since Euro 96.
49. “On the field, you can’t question John Terry’s ability.”
Likely to be said by: anyone who neglected to watch the last few weeks of the Premier League season.
48. “Mario Balotelli is a fantastic talent, but questions have to be asked of his temperament.”
Likely to be said by: anyone who has ever seen Balotelli play.
47. “Spain are a fantastic team, but questions have to be asked of their ability to cope with fatigue.”
Likely to be said by: anyone who witnessed Barcelona’s Champions League semi-final exit.
46. “The Irish lads may not have the best technical ability in the world, but they more than make up for it with great spirit.”
Likely to be said by: anyone on ITV (bar Roy Keane).
45. “They’ll be dancing in the streets of [insert capital city of triumphant team here] tonight.”
Likely to be said by: a commentator seeking to secure geographical brownie points.
44. “I thought Ronaldo was a disgrace tonight.”
Likely to be said by: Eamon Dunphy.
43. “Danger here!”
Likely to be said by: George Hamilton, just as Ireland are about to concede a goal.
42. “You never know, they could do a Greece.”
Likely to be said by: pessimistic commentators in reference to any team with barely a hope of winning the competition (or by economists anticipating a country’s downfall).
(Owen Humphreys/PA Archive/Press Association Images)
41. “Lampard and Gerrard are fantastic individually, but the two of them together has never quite worked, has it?”
Likely to be said by: someone who runs out of original things to say about the England side.
40. “Pace, movement and desire.”
Likely to be said by: Alan Hansen.
39. “There are no easy games in international football.”
Likely to be said by: anyone preparing to play Denmark.
38. “I expect them to be well-organised Bill.”
Likely to be said by: an RTE panellist with a thinly-veiled lack of knowledge regarding a particular team.
37. “What an incredible journey it’s been for James McClean.”
Likely to be said by: anyone familiar with the Irish winger’s League of Ireland stint.
36. What an incredible journey it’s been for Joe Hart.
Likely to be said by: anyone familiar with the English goalkeeper’s Shrewsbury stint.
35. “I’ve been saying it for years [that goal-line technology should be introduced].”
Likely to be said by: a pundit who is somehow unaware that everyone already knows he’s been ‘saying it for years’.
34. “But why do you support English club sides?”
Likely to be said by: anyone bemused by the phenomenon of most Irish football fans never failing to vigorously back whoever England are playing.
33. “Ireland will always be hard to beat under Trapattoni.”
Likely to be said by: anyone willing to forget the Russia home match in the qualifiers.
32. “You never know which France are going to turn up.”
Likely to be said by: anyone aware of the French side’s inconsistency over the years.
31. “He’s not that type of player.”
Likely to be said by: an extremely naive commentator, whenever someone makes a horrendous challenge.
(Efrem Lukatsky/AP/Press Association Images)
30. “I don’t know much about the Ukrainians Bill.”
Likely to be said by: John Giles.
29. “All you need to do is look at his CV.”
Likely to be said by: a pundit who has run out of interesting things to say about Trap.
28. “International football is in decline Bill.”
Likely to be said by: a certain attention-seeking pundit whenever one of the big footballing nations produces an underwhelming performance.
27. “They have to take each game on its merits.”
Likely to be said by John Giles whenever Bill gets ahead of himself.
26. “They’ll be drinking plenty of pints of Guinness in Dublin tonight.”
Likely to be said by: English commentators when/if Ireland achieve a positive result.
25. “Croatia are my dark horses to win it.”
Likely to be said by: people unaware that Croatia are everyone’s dark horses to win it.
24. “The Irish just never know when to leave a party.”
Likely to be said by: an English commentator when/if Ireland score a dramatic late equaliser.
23. “They’ll have difficulty dealing with a big, awkward customer like Andy Carroll.”
Likely to be said by: anyone willing to forget the vast majority of the Liverpool striker’s season.
22. “We need to be more incisive.”
Likely to be said by Trap when Ireland suffer a disappointing result (see also: “We must play with more personality”).
(Lefteris Pitarakis/AP/Press Association Images)
21. “Xavi’s the one that makes that Spanish side tick.”
Likely to be said by: anyone who’s watched Spain play over the last few years.
20. “You really can’t look past your Spains, your Germanys, your Hollands of this world.”
Likely to be said by: a pundit who is asked to predict the eventual winner of the tournament.
19. “Young Whelan is a game lad.”
Likely to be said by: John Giles, in his continuing attempts to portray 28-year-old Glenn Whelan as the Peter Pan of football (see also: ‘young Andrews’).
18. “They’re a team of individuals.”
Likely to be said by: a pundit who can’t think of a more technical reason as to why a team with a number of big-name players have flopped.
17. “You can write off [insert name of eventual winners here]. They have absolutely no chance.”
Likely to be said by: Eamon Dunphy.
16. “I’m going to stick my neck out and say Spain.”
Likely to be said by: pundits trying (and failing) to be funny, when asked who they think will win the tournament.
15. “The Italians are no longer a force to be reckoned with.”
Likely to be said by: anyone who conveniently forgets that they weren’t a ‘force to be reckoned with’ at the last World Cup either.
14. “Write them off at your peril.”
Likely to be said by: anyone who thinks the Italians still could in fact be a force to be reckoned with.
13. “He’s a real leader on the pitch.”
Likely to be said by: commentators who are overly eager to accentuate John Terry’s positive attributes.
12. “From a footballing perspective, it’s the right decision.”
Likely to be said by: pundits again trying very hard to gloss over Terry’s alleged misdemeanours by attempting to justify his selection ahead of Rio Ferdinand.
11. “It’s a lottery now.”
Likely to be said by: an overly excited commentator, who lacks a detailed knowledge of how a lottery actually works, whenever a match goes to penalties.
(Nick Potts/PA Wire/Press Association Images)
10. “On paper, England are the better team.”
Likely to be said by: Alan Hansen, just prior to a game that England inevitably end up losing.
9. “He gives them that something extra.”
Likely to be said by: inarticulate commentators, in reference to Wayne Rooney/Robin van Persie/Cristiano Ronaldo et al.
8. “I’ve never really fancied Ibrahimovic.”
Likely to be said by: pundits who don’t watch the Swedish striker’s Serie A performances on a regular basis.
7. “They’re trying to pass the ball into the net.”
Likely to be said if/when Spain’s much-praised passing game is failing to earn them a victory.
6. “They lack a plan B.”
Likely to be said if/when Spain’s much-praised passing game fails to earn them a victory.
5. “These modern balls are so light, they move all over the place and players can shoot from anywhere.”
Likely to be said by: pundits who are perplexed by the prominence of increasingly balloon-esque footballs (see also: goalkeepers explaining why they performed poorly during post-match interviews).
4. “There’s been a real buzz about the place.”
Likely to be said in reference to the build-up of one of the host countries’ games.
3. “Now’s your chance to put the kettle on.”
Likely to be said by: Gary Lineker, during the brief breaks between matches.
2. Antonio Cassano was very much the forgotten man of Italian football.
Likely to be said by: commentators eager to reference the striker’s brief exile from international football (see also: Paul McShane [Irish football], Karim Benzema [French football] et al).
1. “These things even themselves out over the course of a tournament.”
Likely to be said by: a manager who is attempting to play down the fact that his side have benefited from a highly favourable refereeing decision.
And finally, the five most likely newspaper headlines to be written during the tournament:
5. Dunphy slams Irish performance4. England can win Euro 2012, says Hodgson
3. England suffer disappointing quarter-final exit
2. Joey Barton slams [insert name of player] on Twitter
1. Player revolt in French camp
I rarely agree with dubs but I agree with him. It’ll make the game too stop start, and kill any momentum. Hopefully teams don’t start hoofing long balls now, and they try and play good football like Dublin/mayo/cork/kerry
@Cortiss: be good to see Cork sticking their chest out again
@Cortiss: Cork?!?!?! Strange one
@Cortiss: sure you love a long ball yourself
@Jamie Bent: they play great attacking football, still nowhere near the top teams but I admire their style. Admittedly I am a cork man
@Cortiss: they put in a great display against Dublin in the super 8’s
@Cortiss: what momentum? Most games are full of lateral and backward handpassing at walking pace with occasional bursts of pace. Football coaches caused this rule change. The biggest problem football faces is football people. You ruined your own game, spend all the time bitching about that but are unwilling to do anything about it. Change the record.
@Cortiss: he’s 100% right .. what will happen it clever teams will play clever little pass, just on the limit of the distance, straight into the chest of an attacker running away from goal! Players like Mannion have the pace to get out a step ahead of their marker, sprint out of from the goal to receive a basic kick pass to the chest… he then ridiculously gets rewarded with a free shot instead of having to deal with the defender who’s now breathing down his neck. Before the new rule he may have been dispossessed by defender or had a shot or pass blocked but now the game will stop. The only way to tweak rule to stop this is to insist the ball is caught above the head
@Cortiss: sorry for your troubles (been from Cork I mean)
Why on earth would the dubs want anything to change? Plus when they did play with the mark last year they were badly exposed by it. And you’ll hit me with the ‘oh but sure they didn’t work on it I training’ but if it’s such a basic skill like mannion said then surely defending it is a basic skill also?
@Mel Roberts: do you honestly think the mark will change the way Mannion or Con play Mel? They field the ball and run at defences with it
@my name: in fairness I think he’s saying they’re team will suffer not that it’ll force mannion to change the way he plays
@my name: I’m not talking about how they will play. I’m talking about how exposed your full back line was when they came up against teams who could use the mark to their advantage. It’s your full back line that would need to change the way they play
@Mel Roberts: something along these lines?
https://www.sportsjoe.ie/gaa/brian-howard-175554
@my name: was that against the mark? Eh no. Does Brian Howard play in the full back line eh no. I’m talking about against the mark last year they looked exposed. Why bring something irrelevant into it?
@Mel Roberts: was Brian Howard playing in the full back line? Was the ball delivered to a target man on the square? See the similarities there? I can’t make it any easier for you buddy. The ball was defended on the full back line
@my name: mate have a read at my initial comment. When Dublin full back line have played against the mark they have been exposed. You be gave one example of a fella who’s not a back making a catch which wasn’t against the mark as it wasn’t in use then
@Mel Roberts: what position was Murchan playing in that game or jack mccaffery in the drawn game? Dublin players don’t play the number on their back is the point I’m making here Mel. Like you said, last season they didn’t train for the mark. They probably won’t have time before the league kicks off this year as they’ve been away. They’ll use the league as training for the championship. You’re a football man, thought you’d see that
Sorry my reference for Murchan was this goal
https://youtu.be/2mheijU7QIM
@my name: But sure if catching a ball is such a basic skill like mannion has said it is why couldn’t Dublin defenders do it against the mark last year?
@my name: why are you throwing up games where there’s no mark? Read what I have said, against the mark they were exposed which they were. You’ve gave 2 examples where there’s no mark?
@Mel Roberts: I’ve made it as simple as I can for you pal but no you just want to sling mud. You’re the very man who posts on here constantly saying everyone’s against you and Tyrone. Yet every chance you get you’re at Dublin no matter the subject, you actually compared yourself to James McClean the other day too. I give up, you bring it on yourself and then have a wee cry about it
@my name: I mean why are you posting from games where there is no mark to make a point that Dublin can defend the mark? That’s all I’ve asked? I’ve no slung any mud
@my name: btw I never compared myself to James mcclean. I said that you are all happy to jump on the bandwagon when he’s getting abuse but at the same time agree with someone labelling all northerners as brits
@Mel Roberts: badly exposed by the mark last year? When the facts are that Dublin had the best points difference (+23) in the league last year
@my name: Teams that utilised the mark exposed them, Tyrone tore them apart as did monaghan and showed that they were vulnerable against it
@Mel Roberts: Tyrone tore into Paddy Andrews and left marks alright. Come the business end of the season Mel, you know full well Dublin aren’t getting torn apart by Tyrone
@my name: I never said they were? If there’s a way to get at Dublin that’s it though. As for paddy Andrews an accidental collision? Really still going on about that
@Mel Roberts: the Dubs were exposed by the mark the last time because they knew it wasn’t being used in the championship and so they rightly completely ignored it in training… planning instead for the C’ship without it!! Be under no illusion Dubs will exploit this as well as everyone and better than most now that it’s in. It’s a terrible rule that will lead to attackers running away from goal to receive easy passes to the check and be rewarded with a free shot
@my name: he won’t have to run at defences… all he’ll have to do is run out from goal 1 step ahead of his marker and receive a basic pass into the check. He’ll then have 15secs for easy free. What people need to ask themselves is “what’s the worst way this new mark could be exploited?” “What way can it be exploited that goes against the spirit of what it is intended for” – And that’s exactly how it will be used!!
@Meatloaf: i disagree – I think he’s looking forward to kicking easy frees for fun without having to beat his marker other than getting 1 step ahead of him as he runs away from goal to receive a basic pass into the chest… of this is what happens it will be awful
Most full back lines look vulnerable under a high ball. In my view it will make the game more defensive
@John O Reilly: everyone is assuming it will be exploited via a ‘high ball’… when in my view 90% of the scores will come from attackers sprinting away from goal to receive an easy kick pass into their chest
15 seconds for a forward to play the ball once a mark is called. Totally unrealistic in terms of what the y get normally. Every attack should end in a score. Expect more fouling up the field and more packed defenses
@JPM: Thats a very intelligent comment, I agree completely with the point you make about realistic game play. Hurling has become so much more popular at least in terms of watching the sport as its continously about attack and flow of the game. I suppose if I was to make a point about the mark, even though its available to an attacking team, it doesnt necessarily mean they will use it. A more important issue might be that this rule will add further pressure onto referees.
Why are we forever tinkering with the rules of our game? We have the greatest sport in the world, just leave it be. I don’t see fifa introducing 4 or 5 new rule changes every year
@The Analyst: no, just one massive one…. VAR!
I’m sure we will see Tyrone kicking penetrating long passes as they surge forward
@John O Reilly: you mean just like they did all last year? Have you actually ever watched Tyrone play or does your hatred just stem from all things north of the border?
@Mel Roberts: how do you feel about Mickey Harte
@Mel Roberts: I just dislike sledging. I think it’s disgusting
@John O Reilly: is this an article about Mickey harte? Why not answer my question instead of throwing up that nonsense
@Mel Roberts: I did
@John O Reilly: give me an example of Mickey harte sledging? Are Tyrone the only team that does it? Ever played against Tyrone to know?
@Mel Roberts: I never said Mickey Harte sledged anyone. but tyrone players did. I asked your view about Mickey Harte as a manager
@John O Reilly: He’s one of the greatest managers the game has ever seen in my opinion and the opinion of many
@Mel Roberts: should he stay on
@John O Reilly: This year yes
@Mel Roberts: after this… if they don’t win recall ireland
@John O Reilly: No and I think he will go himself and it’s well known who his replacement will be
@Mel Roberts: who?
@John O Reilly: Mel Roberts!
@John O Reilly: Malachy o Rourke according to people in the know
@Joe Kennedy:
@Joe Kennedy: taking the minors this year joe
@Mel Roberts: haha….Fair play.
Just as the tied against packed defences had turned congress steps up and potentially shoves us straight down that road all over again. Jesus wept
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