NO MATTER WHERE you line out, there’s always the same players in any five-a-side game, right?
1. The Organiser
This guy runs up his O2 bill during the week sending dozens of texts and double checking that the pitch is booked. He also brings the bibs, collects the money and brings you to hospital if you go over on your ankle again. Often not one of the best players on the pitch. I’ll put my hand up for this one.
John Motson: talks a good game. Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport
2. The Commentator
If you studied this guys Opta Stats he might have some questions to address. He won’t be the one tracking back the most or getting in the most tackles… but he’s number one when it comes to talking. ‘Mind your house’, ‘Up the wing’, ‘two-touches!’ ‘handball’ — you might as well be playing astroturf with John Motson.
3. The Pointer
Let me introduce this interesting chap. Though his AUL medals are perhaps now slightly tainted by the years, he’s still got it ‘upstairs’. His USP is ‘the point’. You’ll find him in and around the centre-circle, pointing to where he wants the ball — usually on his toe — like the constipated police woman in the Gaviscon ad.
Every team needs one.
4. The New Guy
We’ve all been there. It’s 6.30pm, someone pulls out because of illness (it’s raining and there’s Champions League on) so you’re down a man. Someone brings an unknown quantity along to make up the numbers. He immediately picks up the ball from the tip-off, puts it through your planted feet and smashes it into the hoodie in which you planked your watch, car keys and wallet in the back of the net.
5. The Other New Guy
It’s the Tuesday after a long weekend and bodies are thin on the ground. This time you’re joined in the bibs with someone who’s a friend of someone else. From the kick-off you pass to him, he takes a first touch that’s heavier than a black hole and then hops the ball off the bonnet of your car — via your nose.
6. The Derek Zoolander
We’ve all seen Ben Stiller’s movie Zoolander, right? It’s the tale of a dim-witted but good natured male model. Incidentally, he can’t turn left. Like many of us on the five-a-side pitch.
7. The Specialist
When asked for suggestions, one astro veteran on TheScore.ie sportsdesk immediately offered: ‘the bloke who would be no use in 11-a-side but knows a the little tricks like one-twos off the wall and has mastered the art of 5-a-side football. Megs!
8. The Hacker
He may not win the game… but you’re going home knowing you played on the same pitch as him tonight. Often wears a Saw Doctors T-shirt paired with O’Neill’s shorts and working shoes an old house-mate left behind when he emigrated to Western Australia. Nothing fancy but very effective.
Who have we forgotten?
First published January 2013
The Roy Keane.
Someone who hasn’t grasped the idea that 5 aside football is normally just for a bit of craic with mates midweek and there are no medals handed out at the end but plays and shouts like it’s the champions league final and is still fuming and talking about it 3 days later.
The Gaelic Footballer.
Doesn’t get the idea of a one-two, thinks short passing is a waste of time and likes belting the ball as hard as he can up the other end of the pitch. Never lets you out of the corner; in fact runs full belt at you and tries to kill you. Loves to drop the shoulder, especially when challenging for the ball near the side wall. Short shorts, big arse, hugely enthusiastic, often whoops, but never gets asked back again.
Classic
Also will never pass the ball backwards.
The better brother of a guy who made it professionaly. The only reason this guy didn’t was because of the drink. ‘Could have played with Celtic’. Slaughters you for 10 minutes then has a coronary for 50 minutes.
The Pro….
Struts onto the turf with the newest gear out, under armour and hairband, first touch of a donkey but counts every goal scored week in week out (I’ve 30 goals in astro this season) and to top it off asks around after the game does anybody know of a good physio cuz he’s feeling a bit tight in the groin….
Eh, what’s up with the dates on people’s comments – they’re all over the shop!?
The sub…
Usually one of the lads sons who come along to get him outta the house so the mother can catch up on Corrie. He’s probably around 12-14 years old. He’ll go in goals so “no hard shots lads, sure he’s only a chap!’ Which is a distinct advantage. He’ll turn out to be amazing and no matter how hard you hit it, he’ll dive full length, collecting the ball in mid flight, a few somersaults and rolls and he’s off up the pitch, nutmegging and steps overs to bate tha band before sticking it in the top corner. As he walks back up the pitch, he’s given a little reminder of what age group of lads he’s actually playing with and someone decides to ‘soften his cough’ by ‘puttin a pup in him’ which ultimately results in a screaming kid rolling around all ‘ronaldo-esque’ with a shoving match between his dad and the offending individual. But all is settled with a few pints in the local with the young lad sippin a lemonade and chompin on a packet o’ Tatyo texting his mates with indecipherable gobbledegook about the dinosaurs he’s destroyed earlier….!
The john terry… He’s around shagging your missus while your not at home
The peter bonetti…..The keeper who is like a cat in 5 a side goals… But gets caught out on the big pitch!
The Heart – possesses all the drive, will and spirit a manager could ever ask of a player. Shows up every week and runs himself into the ground but ultimately has two left shins
Also known as the Zinedine Kilbane. Which would make it 2 right shins.
The Deer
Happy out chasing fellas and the ball. Gets caught in the headlights upon receiving said ball
The Hub
This is the guy who believes that the only good pass is a pass to him – generally loud and persistent.
The had trials ……
The muppet who was been chased by utd and Liverpool as a kid but wanted to do his leaving first! Turns out to be crap and then blames pitch,ball,lighting,his team,his footwear,drink from last night,injury……..
He wouldve made it if it wasnt for the drink…….
Forgot the dreaded “toy boy”. Shows up in the full Real Madrid kit with sparkling new green Astro boots wearing a head bank and gold cross around his neck. Cries off injured after 5 mins as everyone realises he’s awful.
For whatever reason somebody has pulled out due to “work”, always the same person, and the only replacement is another players son or nephew. The next 60 minutes involve getting nutmegged repeatedly and chasing his shadow.
The Rainman – really sweaty guy, with wet marks on chest, armpits, groin after 20secs of play. Spray of water in his wake and if you make any contact with, you may actually drown. Drinks out of everyone’s bottles and is a consistent back washer!! In a nutshell, wet!!
Nothing else happened except my goal… You’ve hammered him 17 3 but he’s scored a good goal… Maybe the best goal of the game but he’s otherwise been abysmal…. He ruffles your keepers head as you leave and tells him… Ha you won’t forget that one in a hurry…. You meet him in a boozer five nights later and he makes you lose the will to live jabbering on about it
“he takes a first touch that’s heavier than a black hole” – you my friend need to get a script writing role for Jim Beglin! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKw3EO3xpQc (1.22, in the best video ever produced by RTE)
The sweaty guy. Starts pumpin after 5 mins. Or the football cogs guy. Catches ure ankle with a stud and just says ‘oh sorry, you alrite ?’ As he jogs on.
The Heather Mills. Can only pass/shoot with one foot which makes him as easy to read, can also be called the Roald Dahl.