THE JANUARY TRANSFER window is wide open, and who better to guide us through the latest wheelin’ and dealin’s than ‘Arry himself.

Just don’t use the words wheelin’ or dealin’, alright?

Krystian Almighty: Arsenal have confirmed the signing of Krystian Bielik from Legia Warsaw for an undisclosed fee. The 17-year old Pole can play either centre-half or midfield.

Eto’o Brute: He should probably let Everton know soon enough but it seems 56-year old Samuel Eto’o has almost completed negotiations with Sampdoria over a move to Italy. 

Ronaldnooooooooooo: The world’s best player has said he wants to finish his career in Brazil after his time in Madrid comes to an end. What does sunny Brazil have that rainy Manchester does not?

A Guidetti move? Southampton are said to be set to ‘swoop’ in to hijack Celtic’s permanent move for Manchester City striker John Guidetti. The Swede has been on loan with the Scottish champions this season.

Gabby are you okay: Arsenal face stiff competition from Manchester United for highly-rated Villarreal defender Gabriel Paulista. His buyout clause is said to be just €20 million.

Juan away: In further club-on-club action, Chelsea are seeking to hijack Manchester United’s move for Fiorentina winger Juan Cuadrado.

On thin Reus: Marco Reus is fed up struggling towards the bottom of the Bundesliga with Dortmund and wants to move all the way up to – almost – the top of the Premier League as he is seeking Champions League football with Manchester City next year.

Have, have, need: Manchester United and PSG are said to be set to swap South American players as Flacao head to Paris while Cavani makes his way to Manchester.

Walcott: Henry & Bergkamp? Arsenal have better attackers now

Mourinho: I’ll be sad to see Gerrard go… maybe I’ll loan him!