WATCHING JERZY JANOWICZ rant and rave at the Australian Open this morning reminded us of the simple beauty of a well-executed tennis tantrum.

Here’s our 12-step guide to guarantee a top strop:

1. Sometimes it works best to sit down and calmly reason it out

This only really works for mild-mannered gents like Roger Federer. When Fed says “shit”, you know he’s angry.

YouTube Credit: jayyarow

2. Insulting the umpire won’t help your case

Just ask Andy Roddick: “Do you have to be a second-grade dropout to be an umpire? Did you go to school until you were eight-years-old? I think you quit school before you were 10. Stay in school kids or you’ll end being up an umpire.”

YouTube Credit: vlx277

3. But if you have to resort to petty name-calling, learn from the master

It’s been over 30 years and nobody has matched McEnroe’s epic “You can NOT be serious rant” in which he told the umpire he was “the pits of the world.”

YouTube Credit: davemings

4. … or his heir apparent

“You’re a hater and you’re unattractive inside” is pretty special.

YouTube Credit: TheSteveGTennis

5. Don’t tell the crowd to shut up — you need them to be on your side

And calling for the tournament supervisor just makes you seem like a spoiled five-year-old who has had their crayons nicked.

YouTube Credit: jsnple

6. Threats of physical violence really aren’t cool

And let’s face, nothing you say can possibly match Serena’s epic: “I swear to God I’m going to take this ball and shove it down your fucking throat, you hear that? I swear to God.”

YouTube Credit: stefan2005stefan

7. So if you have to take out your rage on something, take it out on your drinks

McEnroe Exhibit B (we could go on)

YouTube Credit: Sweet69ification

8. … or your rackets

Although by the time you’ve destroyed three, you’ve probably made your point.

YouTube Credit: australianopentv

9. Don’t hit the umpire

YouTube Credit: YouSportHD

10. … or yourself

YouTube Credit: ATP

11. … or the ballgirl

Tim Henman’s errant ball got him in trouble in 1995 (stop giggling down the back)

12. UNLESS it’s all part of a cunning masterplan

In which case, carry on.

(Pics by PA Images)

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