Luis Figo is on the stage, following Carles Puyol…

Now we have those UEFA heads that nobody ever bothers remembering… and… as ever with these things, it’s taking forever and a day to get started…

Paul Breitner is the special guest.

A speech about match fixing, following Fenerbahce’s exclusion from the competition on Wednesday.

We have followed absolutely none of the rules and regulations – pretty much the equivalent of keeping our heads stuck in a magazine while the in-flight safety routine is going on…

Manchester United are the first name out, they’re going into Group C…

Chelsea are out and they’re going into Group E.

All quite boring until the next pot, really…

The top seeds are all out…

Group A: Bayern Munich,

Group B: Inter Milan,

Group C: Manchester United,

Group D: Real Madrid,

Group E: Chelsea,

Group F: Arsenal,

Group G: Porto,

Group H: Barcelona,

Bobby Charlton has taken a time out from the Glee auditions to grace us with his presence…

Back to it – Lyon are drawn first…

The lads are mixing up their Es with their Ds. That isn’t sound. This is a serious business. Benfica are out.

We know one of Manchester United’s opponents – it’s Benfica.

Arsenal will come up against Marseille in Group F.

And Chelsea will face Valencia. Topical, given the Juan Mata deal.

A cracker already in Group H – Barcelona and AC Milan to play each other.

Right, another full update…

Group A: Bayern Munich, Villareal,

Group B: Inter Milan, CSKA Moscow,

Group C: Manchester United, Benfica,

Group D: Real Madrid, Lyon,

Group E: Chelsea, Valencia,

Group F: Arsenal, Marseille,

Group G: Porto, Shakhtar Donetsk,

Group H: Barcelona, AC Milan,

Ruuuuud! No, not that Ruud. It’s Ruud Gullit.

Pot three now – Manchester City will know their fate soon…

The ‘banter’ should be kept to a minimum, we feel.. Ajax go into Real Madrid and Lyon’s group.

Olympiakos go into Arsenal’s group and Manchester City are the next team out…. City will face Bayern Munich and Villareal!

It’s Chelsea, Valencia and…. Bayer Leverkusen in Group E…

Manchester United, Benfica and Basel in Group C…

That looks like a handy enough draw for United. Benfica and Basel won’t hold any great fear for them. Chelsea will have a tougher time against Valencia and Bayer Leverkusen. Anyway, more to come, the next former player on stage is Lothar Matthaus.

Borussia Dortmund and Napoli are the teams to avoid here…

First complete group: Group A: Bayern Munich, Villareal, Manchester City, Napoli.

Group C: Manchester United, Benfica, Basel, Otelul Galati. We’ve never heard of them either…

Group D: Real Madrid, Lyon, Ajax, Dinamo Zagreb.

Group H: Barcelona, AC Milan, Bate Borisov, FC Viktoria Pilzen.

Chelsea get Genk: Group E: Chelsea, Valencia, Bayer Leverkusen, Genk.

Tricky for the Gunners: Group F: Arsenal, Marseille, Olympiakos, Borussia Dortmund.

So, here’s the full draw for this year’s Champions League:

Group A: Bayern Munich, Villareal, Manchester City, Napoli.

Group B: Inter Milan, CSKA Moscow, Lille, Trabzonspor.

Group C: Manchester United, Benfica, Basel, Otelul Galati.

Group D: Real Madrid, Lyon, Ajax, Dinamo Zagreb.

Group E: Chelsea, Valencia, Bayer Leverkusen, Genk.

Group F: Arsenal, Marseille, Olympiakos, Borussia Dortmund.

Group G: Porto, Shakhtar Donetsk, Zenit St Petersburg, Apoel FC.

Group H: Barcelona, AC Milan, Bate Borisov, FC Viktoria Pilzen.

The texts are coming in – ‘United get an easy ride again – no wonder Giggs has been around so long.” The words of Liverpool fan Fran Burke. He’s not bitter.

That’s your lot. Tribal allegiances aside, it is a rather safe passage through for Manchester United. The Toughest Group Award goes to Manchester City, playing their first Champions League campaign against Bayern Munich, Villareal and Napoli. For the rest of the draw, simply scroll down… Thanks for logging in…