Right, first thing’s first: team news!

Valencia: Diego Alves, Miguel, Rami, Victor Ruiz, Jordi Alba, Ever, Albelda, PAblo, Canales, Mathieu, Soldado.

Subs: Guaita, Bruno, MAduro, Jonas, Feghouli, Piatti, Parejo.

Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa, Luiz, Terry, Cole, Ramires, Mikel, Lampard, Malouda, Torres, Mata.

Subs: Turnbull, Ivanovic, Romeu, Drogba, Meireles, Kalou, Anelka.

Arsenal: Szczesny, Sagna, Mertesacker, Song, Andre Santos, Frimpong, Arteta, Rosicky, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Arshavin, Chamakh.

Subs: Fabianski, Park, Van Persie, Ramsey, Jenkinson, Gibbs, Coquelin.

Olympiacos: Costanzo, Torosidis, Mellberg, Marcano, Holebas, Orbiaz, Fejsa, Ibagaza, David Fuster, Djebbour, Mirallas.

Subs: Megyeri, Modesto, Pantelic, Papadopoulos, Makoun, Potouridis, Abdoun.

Before we get properly underway, David Conn has an interesting angle on Tevezgate:

Chelsea v Valencia has got underway… within seconds, an aimless defensive pass from Valencia through on goal. He’s bundled over by Rami, but the referee doesn’t give the penalty. The defender stay down, writhing around.

Woof! Another error from Valencia, this time from Banega (of almost signing for Everton fame) hands possession to Malouda on the edge of the box. The Frenchman pirouette’s and sends a deflected shot wide.

GOAL for Arsenal! It’s taken Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain all of eight minutes to open his Champions League account. Meeting a floated through-ball on the edge of the area, the youngster stuns the ball with his thigh before firing a shot between the legs of a defender and back across goal.

Arsenal 1-0 Olympiakos

Chelsea have had a number of half-chances and seem more than capable of containing the Spaniards at this stage.

Their London neighbours, buoyed by their early goal, have eased into a position of dominance, buzzing around the Olympiakos half.

Goal for Arsenal! The Londoners catch Olympiacos on the counterattack, with Santos blazing down the left wing. Reaching the goalline, the Brazilian cuts a low cross back to Chamakh, but the Moroccan can’t control the ball. Fortunately it rebounds into his teammates path and Arsenal have their second.

Arsenal 2-0 Olympiakos

Goal for Barcelona! The Catalans grab their second Pedro converts a perfectly weighted cross from David Villa.

BATE 0-2 Barcelona

Goal for Marseille! The Dortmund defence opens up before Ayew, who sends a stinging shot low and to the goalkeepers left.

Marseille 1-0 Dortmund

Goal for Olympiakos! Arsenal concede a soft goal from a set piece. The Greeks lob a soft, floating cross into the box from a corner on the left side; it’s met by David Fuster who, as if on training pitch, flicks it into the net. He had acres of space.

Typically, the Arsenal back-line collapse into spirited remonstration and whinging. *sigh* But Martin Keown could solve all of this. Right?

Arsenal 2-1 Olympiacos

Valencia have found their feet at the Mestalla and are flexing their attacking muscles with increasing frequency.

Goal… for Leverkusen! The Germans have scored their first against the mighty Genk. It’s Bender with the finish (watch you manners).

Leverkusen 1-0 Genk

I’m just taking a moment to marvel at Bosingwa’s monobrow…

Goal for Barcelona! Oh, Lionel Messi… when will you learn? A fumble from BATE’s ‘keeper succeeds in bouncing the ball onto the Argentine’s forehead and into the goal. The Argentine is so good, he can score without consciously thinking about it…

BATE 0-3 Barcelona

PHEW! Half-time all-round: Tonight’s show-piece fixture, Chelsea v Valencia, has yet to yield a really convincing attempt on goal, let alone a breakthrough worth breaking out the bold print for. The sides appear quite evenly matched, with the Premier League giants looking a little more comfortable in possession than their Spanish opponents. Valencia, however, appear a little more incisive in attack. In a word: hm.

Barcelona are on their way to thrashing BATE and Arsenal (oh, Arsenal…) dominated the early stages of their tie with Olympiacos prior to conceding the sort of goal that defensive coaches have nightmares about.

Neil Dundon, whose Twitter pic would suggest he’s a fashionable man, asks the question we’ve all been struggling with of late:

Action’s back underway across the board. While the tension’s building steadily at the Mestalla, Milan are struggling to unlock the unheralded Plzen. There have numerous shots of an irritated-looking Antonio Cassano looking skyward.

Brilliant saves from Diego Alves deny both Torres and Ramires in the space of a couple of minutes.

Goal for Milan! Zlatan Ibrahimovic, sporting a strange, samurai-esque ponytail slots home from the penalty spot after a Plzen defender handled the ball (while his arm was flat against his side). It’s a cheap way for the home side to open the scoring, but they won’t be complaining.

AC Milan 1-0 V. Plzen

Goal for… Lampard! The veteran midfielder capitalises on the Premier League side’s growing momentum, driving a low effort into left corner . Maybe his Chelsea career isn’t over, after all?

Valencia 0-1 Chelsea

Messi again! Trotting to halt in the right corner, Dani Alves draws the ball back for Messi. He’s instantly mobbed by defenders, but threads a shot between the flurry of limbs and into the top-left corner. It’s a glorious strike, and one that sees him become the Catalan’s second-highest scorer of all-time.

BATE 0-4 Barcelona

It’s all action in the Ukraine! After Trickovski finds the net for the visitors, Shaktar go up the other end and equalise through Jadson.

Shaktar Donestsk 1-1 APOEL

Goal for Milan! Ibrahimovic takes a long ball down beautifully on the edge of the Plzen box, cushioning the contact perfectly before rolling the ball into the path of Cassano, who’s drifted in off the left wing. Two touches later and the Italian’s chipped the keeper.

Milan 2-0 Plzen

Two more goals for Marseille have seen the Ligue 1 side comfortably clear of the German champions, Dortmund, with a little over ten minutes to play.

Marseille 3-0 Dortmund

Torosidis rattles Szczesny’s bar with a wickedly curling effort from several yards outside the Arsenal box.

Olympiacos are tiring, but Arsenal look uninterested in putting them under pressure. Five minutes from full-time, they remain a solitary defensive lapse away from dropped points.

Penalty to Valencia! Kalou is penalised for a robust challenge while defending a corner kick and the referee points to the spot. Soldado, who’s looked threatening in spells this evening strides forward and puts the ball to Cech’s left.

Valencia 1-1 Chelsea

Goal for Barcelona! BATE had been streaming forward in search of a morale-boosting score, but they’re punished by a combination of Maxwell and Villa, who put the finishing touches to a comprehensive victory.

BATE 0-5 Barcelona

What a chance for Valencia! Soldado misses an opportunity to score his second goal in five minutes and guarantee three points for the home side. Spinning away from Terry, the striker allowed the ball to get away from him. He only had Cech to beat!

A petulant Ashley Cole managed to get himself booked after the final whistle at the Mestalla and stormed from the pitch while his teammates surrounded the referee, presumably to exchange pleasantries.

It’s a solitary and largely unremarkable point for Andre Villas-Boas’s men, but one that, given Lampard’s performance, will undoubtedly prove a source of debate and controversy. We haven’t heard the last from the “Frank Lampard has been a loyal servant to this club” brigade.

While their neighbours can be comparatively pleased with their point away from home, Arsenal’s win succeeded in leaving a lot to be desired.