A LOT OF football fans spend an inordinate amount of time playing FIFA. Some people are good, some are bad, some go crazy when they lose and some celebrate ridiculously. Here are 14 players you might come across when you play the wildly popular computer game.
The Aggro
This player cannot handle a defeat. Their concession of a late equaliser will result in you getting the silent treatment for the rest of the day and if you are the Man United to their Bayern Munich, a controller is being whipped against the wall. It is best not to poke the bear in this situation or else…
The Replay Merchant
Every goal they score must be observed from a myriad of different angles, at least 50% of which are in the slow motion. Whereas if you try to give something a second view, you are likely to get ‘Would you hurry the F**K UP’ barked at you.
The Novice
You are stuck with a friend who has very little console experience, and they have to spend most of their time looking down at the controller to make sure they are pressing the right buttons. You are able to wrack up a big score but like Ireland beating Gibraltar, it doesn’t feel good. Mostly, you are just disappointed with your mate’s lack of ability.
The old school player
You get a call from a friend asking if you want to swing round and play a game of FIFA. You arrive and they pull out some dusty old edition, which they insist is just as good as the current one.
'FIFA 15? This one still does the job, sure.'
Your protestations are met with an index finger in the air and ‘Ah sure there is no point getting them every year, they can’t change that much.’
The Hipster
This person has an obscure team they like and they are sticking to it no matter what. For instance, I developed a strange obsession with playing as Ukraine in FIFA 06.
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No matter how the careers of Andriy Shevchenko, Andriy Voronin and Anatoliy Tymoshchuk turned out, they are still heroes to me. Borussia Dortmund would have been a favourite of this player circa 2008-2011.
The Loyal Supporter
This United fan will only be United, this Arsenal fan will only be Arsenal, this Liverpool fan will only be Liverpool etc. If you quickly choose their team before they get a chance to, expect a tantrum.
The commentator
This player thinks they are John Motson and it is FA Cup final day. Every ebb and flow of the game is chronicled in a monotone drone that you wish you could mute.
They even go full Martin Tyler when they score a goal – you never want to go full Martin Tyler.
This player has been watching way too much of Manuel Neuer because every time you get within 30 yards of their goal, their keeper is tearing off the line to deal with the danger.
His success rate, like Rene Higuita’s, is minimal.
The England player
These games often have an inflated rating of the England team and there are always people who will put their tribalism to one side and take advantage of all of the overrated players on the England team.
The over-celebrator
This is usually the aggro after a winning encounter. If they pull out a victory, nothing is off the table when it comes to their celebrations. Fist pumping, knee slides and physical contact are all possible.
When you beat the over-celebrator, you are better of taking the moral high ground. If I may, can I suggest the Wolf of Wall Street pose?
The Creator
You pick Barcelona and are horrified to see someone with your mate’s name wearing the number ten shirt. This Frankenstein has been creating players in his own image and has slotted them into key positions in all of Europe’s best sides.
The Pause Cheat
This player will wait until you are going clean through on goal before they pause the game with an ‘emergency phone call’. They will then restart the game without telling you before mumbling ‘I thought you were ready’ while trying to stifle a sly grin. This person will do anything to get an advantage.
The PES Head
This player grew up on a steady diet of Pro Evolution Soccer games and is only ‘giving FIFA a try’. The tell-tale sign of a Pro Evo fan are constant miscues in front of goal followed by, ‘I pressed square’ and a very embarrassed look.
The Tactician
This player spends even longer on their pre-match tactics than they do playing the actual game. They shuffle between 3-5-2, 4-2-3-1, and 4-1-3-2 before finally taking a page out of Mike Bassett’s book.
Do you know any of these players? What other types of FIFA fiends are there?
The aggro and the over-celebrator: What kind of FIFA player are you?
A LOT OF football fans spend an inordinate amount of time playing FIFA. Some people are good, some are bad, some go crazy when they lose and some celebrate ridiculously. Here are 14 players you might come across when you play the wildly popular computer game.
The Aggro
This player cannot handle a defeat. Their concession of a late equaliser will result in you getting the silent treatment for the rest of the day and if you are the Man United to their Bayern Munich, a controller is being whipped against the wall. It is best not to poke the bear in this situation or else…
The Replay Merchant
Every goal they score must be observed from a myriad of different angles, at least 50% of which are in the slow motion. Whereas if you try to give something a second view, you are likely to get ‘Would you hurry the F**K UP’ barked at you.
The Novice
You are stuck with a friend who has very little console experience, and they have to spend most of their time looking down at the controller to make sure they are pressing the right buttons. You are able to wrack up a big score but like Ireland beating Gibraltar, it doesn’t feel good. Mostly, you are just disappointed with your mate’s lack of ability.
The old school player
You get a call from a friend asking if you want to swing round and play a game of FIFA. You arrive and they pull out some dusty old edition, which they insist is just as good as the current one.
Your protestations are met with an index finger in the air and ‘Ah sure there is no point getting them every year, they can’t change that much.’
The Hipster
This person has an obscure team they like and they are sticking to it no matter what. For instance, I developed a strange obsession with playing as Ukraine in FIFA 06.
No matter how the careers of Andriy Shevchenko, Andriy Voronin and Anatoliy Tymoshchuk turned out, they are still heroes to me. Borussia Dortmund would have been a favourite of this player circa 2008-2011.
The Loyal Supporter
This United fan will only be United, this Arsenal fan will only be Arsenal, this Liverpool fan will only be Liverpool etc. If you quickly choose their team before they get a chance to, expect a tantrum.
The commentator
This player thinks they are John Motson and it is FA Cup final day. Every ebb and flow of the game is chronicled in a monotone drone that you wish you could mute.
They even go full Martin Tyler when they score a goal – you never want to go full Martin Tyler.
The Neuer Aficionado
This player has been watching way too much of Manuel Neuer because every time you get within 30 yards of their goal, their keeper is tearing off the line to deal with the danger.
His success rate, like Rene Higuita’s, is minimal.
The England player
These games often have an inflated rating of the England team and there are always people who will put their tribalism to one side and take advantage of all of the overrated players on the England team.
The over-celebrator
This is usually the aggro after a winning encounter. If they pull out a victory, nothing is off the table when it comes to their celebrations. Fist pumping, knee slides and physical contact are all possible.
When you beat the over-celebrator, you are better of taking the moral high ground. If I may, can I suggest the Wolf of Wall Street pose?
The Creator
You pick Barcelona and are horrified to see someone with your mate’s name wearing the number ten shirt. This Frankenstein has been creating players in his own image and has slotted them into key positions in all of Europe’s best sides.
The Pause Cheat
This player will wait until you are going clean through on goal before they pause the game with an ‘emergency phone call’. They will then restart the game without telling you before mumbling ‘I thought you were ready’ while trying to stifle a sly grin. This person will do anything to get an advantage.
The PES Head
This player grew up on a steady diet of Pro Evolution Soccer games and is only ‘giving FIFA a try’. The tell-tale sign of a Pro Evo fan are constant miscues in front of goal followed by, ‘I pressed square’ and a very embarrassed look.
The Tactician
This player spends even longer on their pre-match tactics than they do playing the actual game. They shuffle between 3-5-2, 4-2-3-1, and 4-1-3-2 before finally taking a page out of Mike Bassett’s book.
Do you know any of these players? What other types of FIFA fiends are there?
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FIFA it's in the game