Gavin Cooney reports from the RheinEnergieSTADION, Cologne

GARETH SOUTHGATE’S ENGLAND continue to fail upwards. 

This was another obnoxiously uninteresting performance and result, but one that means they top Group C and progress to the weaker half of a lopsided knockout stage.

Thanks to the Austrian-triggered chaos of the endgame in Group D today, England cannot meet any of Spain, Germany, France, or Portugal until the final. 

It’s an astonishing stroke of luck for a team who continue to play like the stitching of their shirts is laced with lead. But their advantageous position in this competition is hardly earned: it’s fallen into their laps. 

When Southgate is lambasted by his press for the drivel that was served tonight, he might point to the permutations with an are-you-not-entertained affront. Slovenia qualified in third place but behind Denmark because the sides, level on the descending tiebreakers of head-to-head, goal difference, goals scored, and number of cards collected, had to resort to their respective qualifying records. Denmark shaded ahead here because they finished their qualifying group level on points with…Slovenia, but ahead of them on their head to head record. 

It’s easy to image Southgate being lost in a heady bliss at the sheer number of complex configurations that went into all of this, because he has turned his England team into something similar: a messy, mathematical riddle, too easily divisible by number 10s. 

To do so, Southgate has absolutely Keir Starmered these Euros in calculating that he could win while simply lopping off his left-wing.

And so he stuck with his dysfunctional pairing of Kieran Trippier – half-fit and one-footed – along with Phil Foden. Southgate made only one change from the opening game banalities, ejecting Trent Alexander-Arnold from midfield and back to the substitutes bench. 

In came Conor Gallagher, not to give England any sense of control or passing range but to bring a bit more energy to the moribund entity. And you have to hand it to Gallagher: his first-half disaster class was certainly energetic, giving away fouls and possession with the kind of earnest zip that Trent, in all his langour, simply cannot match. 

England’s early game-plan seemed to consist mostly of frantic, unintelligible pointing. Declan Rice emerged as the leader here, of course, backed up by Gallagher, Kyle Walker, and Jordan Pickford. 

Trippier got in on the act too: at one point, with the ball far up the right side at Bukayo Saka’s feet, Trippier put his hands in the air and started waving to nobody in particular and about nothing in particular. It was baffling, but it might have been the act of someone doing something natural to them to make them feel more comfortable in an alien environment. The equivalent of the summer Irish tourist who goes looking for a cup of tea when they land in Salou. 

Southgate has yoked himself to Luke Shaw’s delicate muscles: a huge gamble for a manager we thought was averse to them. But putting that aside, his faith in Trippier has been baffling. Joe Gomez has played the role a little bit for Liverpool, while Ben Chilwell has been left out of the squad entirely. 

That Trippier put in a wicked, teasing cross with his right-foot late in the first-half – with which Harry Kane was inches from connecting – only went to accentuate how his talents are largely wasted at left-back. 

Slovenia seemed pretty happy with Southgate’s left-wing purge, pressing in such a way that it funnelled England’s play down the left and away from Saka on the other wing. 

Phil Foden therefore became an actor in the game, having slunk around in the background in the opening games. Had he timed his run a little better he would have provided England’s opening goal,  collecting Rice’s clever pass and squaring for Saka to tap in. The offside flag, however, denied what was probably England’s most inventive moment of the tournament of so far. 

It was also a kind of black swan event in the context of England’s dreary half. While Foden was involved from the left, he drifted in-field and, when he did so, Bellingham was sent out to stand in the space Foden had vacated. 

But the cost of Foden’s involvement was Bellingham’s anonymity: England’s system has created an either/or situation with them both, which would be fine if England weren’t playing them both. 

Gallagher’s energetic nightmare was ended at half-time, replaced by Kobbie Mainoo who did effect a change. He slipped between the lines and comfortably received passes, which briefly kindled something approaching a recognisable intensity from England. It led to precious few chances, mind, and their best move was wasted when a flat-footed Bellingham couldn’t raise a gallop to meet Mainoo’s terrific cut-back. Bellingham was presumably tired from running around, trying to keep out of Foden’s way. 

It was Saka who was bafflingly substituted, however, with Cole Palmer introduced to raucous cheers. Southgate evidently felt he needed another technician to gum up the middle rather than provide width: Kane, Foden, and Bellingham just weren’t enough.

At this stage the England fans were bouncing their way through chants that lasted a solid 10 minutes, less in defiant support of their team but largely as something to pass the time. 

Palmer did provide a spark, in fairness, and he might have won the game in stoppage time when a yawning gap suddenly appeared through the centre of the Slovenian defence, but his strike was too close to Jan Oblak.  The appearance of that gap may have been related to a rare sighting of Anthony Gordon, brought on for Foden to finally provide some width on the left side. 

But England did not get their goal and the final whistle was met with a jolt of emotion from the Slovenian players and fans, taking everyone else in the ground aback, who had long been numbed of all feeling. 

They cavorted gleefully, qualifying for the last-16 as a third-placed side courtesy of a total haul of three draws and two goals. But as they communed with their supporters in joy, Gareth Southgate strode off to applaud the England fans, with a few boos piercing the blanket Slovenian cheers. 

England go through, topping perhaps the least glorious group in Euros history.