'The warm feeling of being urinated upon' at Upton Park: the week's best sportswriting

“The best way I can describe the Rock Clock is that it behaves like an erratic boyfriend. It’s the app equivalent of the guy who doesn’t show up when he says he will, the guy you know you deserve better than, and to whom you’ve given way more chances than your mom or your friends think you should (‘Wait, you’re waking up with whom for work? The Rock? What?’ to quote my mother). You know there are other guys out there, guys who will work better and wake you up when they say they will. Guys who won’t surprise you with videos of hundreds of people screaming at you at 6 a.m. But at the end of the day, you love this guy. And at the end of the day, I love this app. Is it user friendly? No. If my goal were something other than ‘To write the best post about The Rock Clock that’s ever been on the internet,’ do I think I would’ve achieved it? Absolutely not. But will I keep waking up to Dwayne’s melodious voice, even though my week with him is over? Yes.”

– A thorough review of The Rock’s new motivational app from USA Today’s Charlotte Wilder.

West Ham United v Manchester United - Barclays Premier League - Upton Park Upton Park Nick Potts Nick Potts

“The place where I first witnessed serious violence, hardcore racism, drug-taking, frightening levels of crushing and the warm feeling of having your leg urinated upon by a man who was never going to travel across a sea of humanity to the toilets at the sides of the North Bank.”

– In the week that West Ham United played there for the final time, Dave Kidd shared his Upton Park memories in The Mirror.

“I played a ton of basketball growing up, too. I was on an Australian junior-league team, and when I turned 14 I had to decide whether to focus on basketball or tennis full-time. But to be honest, I wasn’t too up-to-date with the NBA because of the huge time difference between the U.S. and Australia. Video games were my window to the league from the other side of the world. So when I got NBA Live I started flipping through all the teams trying to decide who to play with, and I ended up picking the Boston Celtics. I thought the logo looked cool.”

“You might have been asked your opinion. Pick a team they said, from everyone you’ve seen in the Aviva Premiership this season. It’s too difficult, isn’t it? So many options to fill each shirt. Discussion flows back and forth, it’s a bar room topic to while away many an hour. But I’m not one for opinion unless it is based upon fact. Some might say that is the only opinion worth listening to.”

– If you’re a rugby stats nerd, you’ll probably enjoy this look at the top performers in the Aviva Premiership this season from Sam Roberts.

Key Biscayne Tennis Nick Kyrgios AP / Press Association Images AP / Press Association Images / Press Association Images

“As a fan, a viewer, a consciousness-on-a-couch, I had drifted away, years ago, from the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Had I aged out of it, maybe — lost my youthful tolerance for violence? Softer midriff, softer mind? At any rate, it seemed to be over between me and the UFC. Until last year, that is, when I was goosed in my psyche by the fighter-phenomenon Conor ‘The Notorious’ McGregor. Peacocking around in his beautiful suits, lightly promising destruction to his enemies, he zapped through my middle-aged culture filters. He was unbeaten in the UFC. His left fist was an astonishment. On iTunes, I bought his 2013 fight against Max Holloway: There’s McGregor, dazzling with witty hook kicks and punches from the future, the bruises slowly thickening Holloway’s face like an index of stupefaction. ‘Let’s put him away,’ advises John Kavanagh, McGregor’s coach and cornerman, icing him down between the second and third rounds. ‘More water?’ ‘Yeah, a little bit,’ shrugs easy-breathing McGregor. ‘I feel great.’ ‘You look beautiful,’ chuckles Kavanagh. ‘You look beautiful, man.’ I was in love.”

“The first lesson Reche Caldwell learned in prison is that no one escapes on a Tuesday. Here in Montgomery, Alabama, Tuesday is movie night, and anyone who went on the lam last week, for instance, would have missed Morgan Freeman’s timeless tour de force Lean on Me. Caldwell, the leading receiver on the 2006 Patriots, might be the most inept criminal the NFL has ever produced, but give him credit for this: He was clever enough to get locked up at FPC Montgomery, a waterfront minimum security prison ‘fenced’ inside the Maxwell Air Force Base by nothing more than a row of meticulously manicured crimson crepe myrtles. For inmates, the only real threat of bodily harm comes from the tee box of the Cypress Tree par 5 that runs down the length of the camp’s west side. For visitors, the only disconcerting moment is at the security entrance, checking in while prisoners stroll past unfettered and headed toward the shimmering waters of Gun Island Chute, or perhaps the equestrian stables just across the road.”

PA-3628058 Reche Caldwell AP Photo / Stephan Savoia AP Photo / Stephan Savoia / Stephan Savoia

– ESPN’s David Fleming documents how former NFL wide receiver Reche Caldwell ‘Googled his way from the Patriots to prison’.

“For those of us who were sentient when Jordan was winning championships, seeing his face become a mocking emblem of sadness and incompetence has been jarring. Jordan never lost when it counted, and even during his strange baseball interlude, few dared call him incompetent. But today, Crying Jordan is one element in a much broader repositioning of Jordan’s place in the culture.”

– ‘How Air Jordan became Crying Jordan,’ by Ian Crouch for The New Yorker.

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