What’s the Portuguese for squeaky-bum time?

Chelsea host Valencia at Stamford Bridge with a place in the last-16 on the line. We’ll go kick-by-kick throughout a busy night of European action.

Frank Lampard may be reading – he starts on the bench, here’s your teams:

Chelsea: Cech, Ivanovic, Terry, Luiz, Cole, Romeu, Meireles, Ramires, Sturridge, Drogba, Mata.

Subs: Turnbull, Lampard, Torres, Mikel, Malouda, Ferreira, Kalou.

Valencia: Diego Alves, Barragan, Rami, Victor Ruiz, Jordi Alba, Feghouli, Tino Costa, Albelda, Mathieu, Jonas, Soldado.

Subs: Guaita, Topal, Aduriz, Piatti, Dealbert, Pablo, Parejo.

In the studio, the three wise men of Glen Hoddle, Ray Wilkins and Ruud Gullit are less than optimistic about Chelsea’s prospects.

This is never a 0-0 says Butch. Hoddle reckons they’l have to win this one 2-1 – ‘cos they’ll concede, Jeff’.

So what’s the standings? Well, as our own Ben Blake explained earlier:  ”It’s winner takes all as Chelsea and Valencia go into tonight’s game level on eight points apiece. Manager Andre Villas-Boas will no doubt be sending his players out to win but a goalless draw would also see Chelsea progress with a better head-to-head record against Los Che.”

You’d be depending on Genk to get a result then however.

Bayer Leverkusen are guaranteed a spot in the knockout stages having amassed nine points from the five games so far.

That showdown at the Bridge is far from the only show in town tonight, of course.

In Arsenal’s Group F, the Gunners are already through and will be in relaxed form against Olympiakos. The meeting of Borussia Dortmund and Marseille at the Westfalenstadion is a fascinating one however.

We’ll also keep an eye on APOEL v Shakhtar, Porto v Zenit, Barca v BATE and Plzen v Milan. Pass the Red Bull.

Arsenal’s team? Well, like a good mullet, it’s business at the back and party at the front as the young guys get a chance in midfield.

Lukasz Fabianski came into goal behind Johan Djourou, Thomas Vermaelen, Sebastien Squillaci and Andre Santos.

Emmanuel Frimpong and the 20-year-old Francis Coquelin are in the middle with Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain on the wing while Yossi Benayoun, Andrey Arshavin and Marouane Chamakh make up the side.

One Twitter user gets the David Luiz banter up and running.

“Bad news Chelsea fans, I’m the 10yr old kid controlling Luiz via a playstation controller and I am supporting Valencia tonight.”

It’s never going to be scoreless, is it?

We’re up and running. Let’s have your predictions/tips/hopes for Christmas.

Oooh. Two minutes into the game and Chelsea have their first shot at goal. But it’s saved.

Sturridge won the ball on the wing, he fed Drogba who rolled it to the onrushing Meireles. The former Liverpool man’s shot is too close to the keeper however.

GOAL! Chelsea 1 Valencia 0, Drogba 3mins

Great start from the Blues. Former Valencia man Mata took down a high ball on the byline wonderfully, knocked it to Drogba and after a neat dragback he drilled it under Alves.

Up the other end however, Alba almost cancels it out immediately but he rattles Cech’s near post.

Albelda wellies one from 30 yards and Cech saves one-handed brilliantly. Gary Neville says Chelsea have dropped back since they went ahead – it’s like Brian Kerr’s Ireland all over again. Just another 80 minutes to hang on, lads.

Drogba fancies a crack at a free-kick that is – we’re told by an on-screen graphic – 37 metres out. He hits it about 11, and into the Valencia wall.

The big striker is up for it tonight though. Torres is on the bench, if you’re wondering Liverpool fans.

So Arsenal – already through – are gone a goal down in Greece. From the Guardian:

“Squillaci, you may not be surprised to hear, was at fault, failing to cut out a through-ball. Djebbour, however, still had some work to do and took the ball around the out-rushing Fabianksi with a slinky touch and then whacked it into the net with his left peg.”

GOAL! Chelsea 2 Valencia 0, Ramirez, 21 mins

They defender will be disappointed with that, Bill. The Bridge is rocking and Chelsea are looking comfortable.

The second goal came when Drogba picked up the ball and drove forward. A diagonal run by Ramirez was rewarded with a pass from the Ivorian but the full back Ruiz should have dealt with it handily. He didn’t, Ramirez weaseled inside and dispatched it past the ‘keeper. 2-0.

Let’s see what the third best side in La Liga are made of.

Oh Danny boy. Sturridge did really well down the right-hand side once again but after he worked his way inside and went for the goal himself rather than squaring for a queue of blue shirts on the six-yard line. Corner ball rather than a third goal.

In Germany, Dortmund have gone one-up on Marseille through Scrabble-busting Blaszczykowski.

GOALFLASH GENK FANS Chelsea fans would win the group if things stayed like this. The Belgians have gone ahead against Leverkusen.

Praise from PS2 fan, Gary Neville: “Chelsea look like a team tonight. They all seem to be on the same wavelength. We’ve criticised David Luiz a lot recently but tonight is the most responsible I’ve seen him in that position.”

… and we’re back. Due to some technical difficulties (some one poured water on the Gremlins) we’ve been eating pizza for the past 15 minutes.

It’s currently half-time, Chelsea are two up, Arsenal two down.

And we’re off. 45 minutes that will go a long way to deciding Andre Villas-Boas’ season, coming up.

It must be tough playing football in a shop window, but Didier Drogba is doing just that tonight.

The veteran striker started the night demonstrably geeing-up his younger team-mates, and he’s been central to everything Chelsea have achieved so far. He’s just claimed another free-kick outside the box, but flashed it around the wall and wide.

Earlier, Luiz broke froward for the first time tonight. The commentator looked – audibly – to Neville for a comedy put-down but Gary insists that he doesn’t mind the move this time as the space was inviting such a sortie forward.

Are we all agreed that Red Nev is a good pundit at this stage?

Deary me. Have you seen Arsenal goalkeeper Mannone’s gift to the Greeks?

AVB must have better glutes than half his players. Such calisthenics on the touchline.

On the pitch, Valencia are enjoying a little bit of possession for the first time all night. File under obvious: but if the Spanish outfit score next, we’ll have an interesting last half hour.

Just when you were about to reach for that remote, Valencia remind us this game is far from over.

The Chelsea defence is ‘split’ and Feghouli whips one across the Blues’ goal. It’s knocked behind brilliantly for a corner by Cech, however.

Mikel is on for Ramires; why, I don’t know. Frank Lampard’s internal monologue would be pretty interesting right about now, by the way.

He’s left on the bench for another while yet.

Yossi Benayoun has pulled one back for the Gunners in Greece, while Barcelona are now 3-0 up on BATE.

One of the most interesting ties – that of Borussia v Marseille – is now 2-1.

Drogba just created – and missed – an opportunity to put Chelsea 3-0 up.

He knocked the ball over the last defender’s head, nodded it on, shrugged off the challenge from Ruiz… and then dragged the shot across the face of the goal from five or six feet. He looks exhausted by the whole adventure.

This is the old Chelsea, Neville purrs.

GOAL! Chelsea 3 Valencia, Drogba, 75mins

But he finishes the job moments later with a neat little finish to do justice to a Mata slide rule pass through the middle. Goodnight, nurse.

And Drogba deserves that standing O as Torres is introduced for the last 15 minutes or so. He takes the congratulations from AVB and heads to the bench to check if there’s any voicemails from the MLS or Qatar on his phone.

Malouda’s on for Mata. He’s been good tonight – and takes the applause from both home and away supporters.

I didn’t see this – but Phillipe Auclair tweets from his seat at the Bridge: “A couple of thickos stage a mini pitch invasion at the Bridge. Crowd cheers them. Why?”

Bayer Leverkusen have equalised against Genk – but they’ll need another to overhaul Chelsea at the top of the standings.

FULL-TIME Chelsea nervelessly get the job done without on a night that had promised drama.

A turning point? Perhaps; Luiz looked reliable, Terry seemed to play like his old self, Drogba was brilliant and Torres didn’t have time to embarrass himself at the end.

It’s still on going in Belgium, with the score currently 1-1. The Blues go through as winners if that’s the case on the whistle.

Janey. Marseille have scored twice in five minutes to make it 3-2 in Dortmund.

It’s all over across Europe – and look at this result in Dortmund.

Marseille scored twice in the final stages to make it 3-2 and book their place in the last 16, at the hosts’ expense. Crazy stuff.

Villas Boas: “It was a result, I’m very happy with the players. They worked very hard. And guess what? We finish top of the group, against all odds.”

AVB must have picked up that verbal tick – hey, guess what? – from watching ESPN America. They always say that.

Random, nice stat from OptaFranz:

“3 – Arsenal have won only 3 of their last 16 away games in the Champions League. Modest.”

Arsenal’s Andre Santos, right, and Emmanuel Frimpong react after the second goal (AP Photo/Thanassis Stavrakis).

AVB wraps up his interview by saying that the result is a ‘slap in the face’ for Chelsea’s critics. Ouchies.

That’s where we’ll leave tonight’s liveblog coverage, if you don’t mind. Niall will be back tomorrow night when both halves of Manchester are in action.

Will both English outfits progress, as tonight? Join us, same bat channel….