As a first thought of the day – imagine if Jim White were to phone in sick…

Before we get going on the thousands of rumours out there, let us tell you what’s actually happening…

Liverpool’s Charlie Adam is at Stoke, where he will complete a £4m move; Jermaine Jenas is set to move from Tottenham to Sunderland; Fulham have accepted a bid from Aston Villa for Clint Dempsey, but there is no guarantee that the American will go to Birmingham…

…Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini has just confirmed that he wants to sign three players today; Alex Ferguson says he has no idea where Dimitar Berbatov, saying he could be at Spurs for all he knows; Rafael van der Vaart’s agent has confirmed that the Dutch international is heading back to Hamburg for a medical…

…AC Milan will confirm the signing of Nigel de Jong at some point this afternoon; Everton have agreed a deal for Copenhagen’s Bryan Oviedo…

Bolton have signed Jay Spearing from Liverpool on a season-long loan. Those reports of a six-month deal were wide of the mark.

Twitter tells us that Liverpool have been offered Brazilian striker Leandro Damiao, a long standing Spurs target.

Swansea, meanwhile, are poised to sign Jerson Cabral, a Dutch winger, from Feyenoord.

News from Australia that Alessandro del Piero is signing for Sydney FC, ending any hopes Celtic had of snagging the Italian legend.

Imagine being a footballer, going to work of a normal weekday morning, only to be told on arrival at the training ground that you’re moving to Germany or Spain or Australia. Mental. There must be a lot of forgiving WAGs out there.

Aston Villa have ended their interest in Clint Dempsey, after the player made it clear that he wants to move to Liverpool. That is the latest of the latest news.

AC Milan have confirmed that Nigel de Jong is one of their players.

According to Setanta Sports, Liverpool could agree a season-long loan deal with Chelsea for Daniel Sturridge. That one has been doing the rounds for a few days.

Surely it means Chelsea are in the market for at least another striker.

Manchester City striker Roque Santa Cruz is set to join Malaga.

To repeat: ‘Manchester. City. striker. Roque. Santa. Cruz.’

Weird. Thought he’d retired years ago.

Something tells us that, even with nearly 12 hours still to run, nothing will rival QPR’s signing of Esteban Granero for sheer improbability.

The Spaniard speaks decent English, apropos of nothing.

How much do you miss Harry Redknapp today?

Oddly enough, we do.

Bad news for Swansea – Jerson Cabral has decided to stay in Holland and move to FC Twente.

Nicklas Bendtner, the best striker in the world, remember, is having a medical at Juventus.

Amid all the hullabaloo, we neglected to mention a particular juicy rumour doing the rounds – that of Michael Essien to Arsenal. Tick tock.

‘This is Anfield’ reports that Alex Doni, Danny Wilson, Nathan Eccleston, Dani Pacheco, Joe Cole, Jon Flanagan and Jack Robinson are all available for either transfers or loan moves from Liverpool.

Brendan Rodgers seems determined to have the smallest squad in the Premier League.

Kieran Richardson has joined Fulham from Sunderland.

Manchester City’s three targets? Maicon from Inter Milan. Matija Nastasic from Fiorentina. Javi Garcia from Benfica

Pity the poor Sky Sports presenter at the Liverpool training ground, accosted by a group of youths while giving a live broadcast.

He says Daniel Sturridge and Clint Dempsey are both odds on to be Liverpool players by the end of the day.

Scott Sinclair is a Manchester City player. He’ll wear number 11 at the Etihad, and will probably take Adam Johnson’s place on the bench too.

We’re getting reports that Tottenham have agreed a deal to sign Joao Moutinho.

Charlie Adam has joined Stoke City from Liverpool. That’s about his level alright. Sky describe his one season at Anfield as ‘mixed.’

We would use another term. Without the prevarication.

Marseille midfielder Stephane M’Bia is on his way to QPR to talk about a deal.

The Sky Sports News studio has just become a lot more orange, as Phil Brown replaces Sean Dyche in the spare chair wheeled in from the canteen.

Fulham have signed midfielder Chris David (us neither) from FC Twente. I initially read it as this fella…

Charlie Adam has been talking to the cameras, saying he respects Brendan Rodgers but sometimes managers come in with new ideas yadda yadda yadda…

How is that man only 26-years-old? He could be Arjen Robben’s father.

Elsewhere, Jermaine Jenas’ move to Sunderland is off, while Hugo Lloris is heading to Tottenham, according to the Lyon website. More on that as it comes in.

Sky Sports News are finally breaking the Moutinho to Spurs story. A deal between the North London club and Porto has been reached for £22m, now it’s down to a medical and personal terms.

Rafael van der Vaart is closer to his return to Hamburg. Just the medical to get out of the way now.

Done deal: Inter Milan have confirmed that right-back Maicon has signed for Manchester City.

Bringing you the F365 drinking game, with thanks to whoever came up with the F365 drinking game.

Chin chin.

Paul Lambert does not look like somebody you’d want to spend New Year’s Eve with.

Things have gone relatively quiet.

Did you know this is the last ever Transfer Deadline Day on CEEFAX? We used to love old page 316.

Brendan Rodgers has just given a very interesting press conference, refusing to be drawn on links with Clint Dempsey, Theo Walcott or Daniel Sturridge. He pointedly refused to deny any of those moves either.

I’ve just received the following text message:

‘Heskey to Charlton apparently, news of the day.’

If you’re a Charlton fan, then yes.

Paul Merson’s in the studio and getting the names all wrong. Oh Merse.

Done deal: Rafael van der Vaart has left Tottenham and rejoined German side Hamburg.

One that slipped through: Mexican attacker Giovani dos Santos is finally leaving Spurs permanently to join Real Mallorca. Shame. He was never really given much of a chance.

One of the biggest stories of the day, as Dimitar Berbatov signs for Fulham on a two-year deal.

We want to know what you make of all this insanity… Take our poll…

Poor old Undisclosed Fee must be knackered. He’s everywhere.

The Score’s very own Jim White, Paul Fennessey, has just entered the building and will be taking over proceedings so I can go to the pub around 5pm.

Maicon is now officially a Manchester City player, with the fee thought to be around £3m. Bargain.

Hugo Lloris has just arrived at Spurs Lodge, though this one is a bit away from completion as things stand…

The Journal’s Hugh O’Connell contends that Yossi Benayoun could be moving back to Liverpool on loan from Chelsea.

We like not to argue with Hugh, but he’ll forgive us our scepticism.

The Moutinho to Spurs deal may not be set in stone. There are reportedly problems with personal terms, while a fee with Porto has not necessarily been agreed either.

One player who won’t be going to Chelsea…

Rory Smith of The Times tweets: ‘Have spoken to Luciano Davi at Internacional. Not expecting Leandro Damiao to sign for anyone in England at all today.’

Fulham definitely have ideas above their station today, as they target a move for Lyon’s Brazilian full-back Michel Bastos.

Swansea have completed the signing of Pablo Hernandez from Valencia. The 27-year-old winger has been capped by Spain, and joins Michu at the Liberty Stadium.

Right, I have sat through the ad for Directline.com one time too many today. I’ll be handing over to Paul Fennessy, but you’re in the best of hands.

And where will Michael Owen end up? Stoke.

Time will tell.

Paul Fennessy here taking over from Tony Cuddihy, who’s signing off for the day.

I’ll be with for the most part up until midnight or thereabouts.

Good news for Arsenal fans, as it looks like they’ve seen the last of Nicklas Bendtner.

He looks set for a move to Juventus, although he’ll have to hurry, as the transfer deadline in Italy is 6pm, oddly enough.

Attention Everton fans! What do you make of this?

Scott Wilson pays tribute to The Magician, aka Nicklas Bendtner’s agent.

It’s simply impossible to keep up with the comings and goings/rumours at Stoke City at the moment.

They’ve been linked with Michael Owen (hasn’t everyone at one stage or another?) along with about 100 other players.

Bendtner gives his thoughts on moving to Juve…

Oi! Could you just keep it down a bit?

A Sky reporter tries in vain to calm down some boisterous Villa supporters who are making his job somewhat difficult.

Swansea appear to have secured what seems to be another astute deal, with Spain winger Pablo Hernandez making the move from Valencia for £5.5 million.

Also, here’s another rumour for your amusement:

Defender Efe Ambrose is at Celtic Park.

Meanwhile, Giovani dos Santos’ move to Real Mallorca for €1m has been confirmed.

Five more hours of the footballing equivalent of 24 remaining.

Emile Heskey – the most mocked footballer of all time?

Here is a list of every deal involving British clubs that has been confirmed today. Of Irish interest are Daryl Murphy, Stephen Quinn, Damien Delaney and Adam Rooney, who have all moved to new clubs.

Charlie Adam [Liverpool - Stoke] £5m

Patrick Agyemang [QPR - Stevenage] Free

Dale Bennett [Watford - AFC Wimbledon] Loan

Dimitar Berbatov [Manchester United - Fulham] Undisclosed

Federico Bessone [Swansea - Swindon] Free

Jordan Bowery [Chesterfield - Aston Villa] £500,000

Paul Caddis [Swindon - Birmingham] Loan

Nathaniel Chalobah [Chelsea - Watford] Loan

Scott Christie [Bo'ness - Hamilton] Undisclosed

Giles Coke [Sheffield Wednesday - Swindon] Loan

Lorenzo Davids [Augsburg - Bournemouth] Free

Damien Delaney [Ipswich - Crystal Palace] Free

Paul Dummett [Newcastle - St Mirren] Loan

Nigel de Jong [Manchester City - AC Milan] Undisclosed

Johnny Ertl [Sheffield United - Portsmouth] Free

Kane Ferdinand [Southend - Peterborough] £200,000

George Francomb [Norwich - AFC Wimbledon] Loan

Roman Golobart [Wigan - Tranmere] Loan

Bobby Grant [Scunthorpe - Rochdale] Undisclosed

Pablo Hernandez [Valencia - Swansea] £5.55m

Iain Hume [Preston - Doncaster] Loan

Mike Jones [Sheffield Wednesday - Crawley] Undisclosed

Dani Lopez [Unattached - Stevenage]

Alex MacDonald [Burnley - Plymouth] Loan

Sam Magri [Portsmouth - QPR] Free

Maicon [Inter Milan - Manchester City] Undisclosed

David McGoldrick [Nottingham Forest - Coventry] Loan

Daryl Murphy [Celtic - Ipswich] Loan

Michael O’Halloran [Bolton - Carlisle] Loan

Andrea Orlandi [Swansea - Brighton] Undisclosed

Park Chu-Young [Arsenal - Celta Vigo] Loan

Matt Parsons [Crystal Palace - Wycombe] Loan

Stephen Quinn [Sheffield United - Hull] Undisclosed

Kieran Richardson [Sunderland - Fulham] £2m

Giovani Dos Santos [Tottenham - Real Mallorca] Undisclosed

Oliver Risser [Swindon - Stevenage] Loan

Adam Rooney [Birmingham - Swindon] Loan

Danny Rose [Tottenham - Sunderland] Loan

Darel Russell [Preston - Portsmouth] Free

Scott Sinclair [Swansea - Manchester City] £6.2m

Jay Spearing [Liverpool - Bolton] Loan

Ryan Stevenson [Ipswich - Hearts] Free

Cameron Stewart [Hull - Burnley] Loan

Rafael van der Vaart [Tottenham - Hamburg] £10m

Paul Taylor [Peterborough - Ipswich] Undisclosed

Josh Thompson [Celtic - Portsmouth] Free

So this looks set to finally happen…

Sorry Celtic fans, but Alessandro Del Piero’s move to Sydney FC has been confirmed.

It’s gone quite quiet at the moment.

The question of how SSN will fill the Harry Redknapp-shaped void during these moments has yet to be answered.

The news you’ve all been waiting for has finally been confirmed – QPR’s Jay Bothroyd has joined Sheffield Wednesday on loan.

As this tweet suggests, it seems to be a rule of thumb that every ludicrously overrated young English player ultimately ends up at Sheffield Wednesday.

Apparently, Daniel Sturridge is on the bench for Chelsea, as they take on Atletico Madrid in the Super Cup this evening.

That’s hardly good news for Arsenal and Liverpool fans.

More transfers have just been confirmed:

Gaston Ramirez has gone to Southampton and Efe Ambrose’s transfer to Celtic has been confirmed. Not exactly Alessandro Del Piero, is he?

BREAKING: JIM WHITE’S SHIFT HAS BEGUN!!!

Only four hours left now before the transfer window closes…

Joao Moutinho’s move to Tottenham is apparently back on again.

The amount of times the move’s been on and off must into double figures at this stage.

Meanwhile, a rather optimistic Spurs supporter suggests the club could sign Messi in the next few hours, as Sky’s reporter is interviewed at the club’s training ground.

The lads here in the office reckon Liverpool may be forced into a desperate last-minute bid for Michael Owen, on account of their lack of strikers.

Gary Twigg’s name has also been mentioned.

@MirrorFootball – always ahead of the curve when it comes to football-related jokes/irony.

Poor old Dave Bassett isn’t getting much love on Twitter…

Roque Santa Cruz – who most people are probably unaware was still at City – has gone to Malaga.

Richard Wright, in particular, seems like a signing of Owen Hargreaves-esque folly.

Thanks to reader Oliver Walker for drawing our attention to this gem of a picture.

No more transfer news to report on, but Radamel Falcao has put Atletico in the lead against Chelsea in the Super Cup.

Very little news of any substance at the moment. Failed deals appear to be characterising this Deadline Day. For example:

In European news, Anzhi Makhachkala have signed Lassana Diarra.

Meanwhile, Falcao has scored a second against Chelsea, prompting this tweet.

Less than three hours before the window closes now…

Celtic’s new signing Efe Ambrose tells SSN that they can beat Barcelona in the Champions League.

Obviously the euphoria from his transfer hasn’t worn off yet.

Someone needs to sign Falcao pronto. He has just scored his third goal, with Atletico currently outclassing Chelsea in the Super Cup.

Is this seemingly never-ending saga finally about to conclude?

Apparently Liverpool offered both Charlie Adam and Jordan Henderson in part exchange in their attempts to buy Clint Dempsey, which look set to fail.

Another solid line-out give the hosts a chance to increase the lead and/ or run the clock down. They spin wide and Luke Marshall makes half break, Glasgow hanging on….

According to Duncan Castles on Twitter, Tottenham are considering Clint Dempsey a move for as “a fall-back option”.

So the American may yet get his wish to leave Fulham.

The Chelsea horror show continues…

Meanwhile, Daniel Levy has arrived at Spurs’ training ground, perhaps in a bid to consolidate the Moutinho deal.

BREAKING: HUGO LLORIS HAS PASSED A MEDICAL AND HAS OFFICIALLY SIGNED FOR SPURS.

Just less than two hours before the window closes now.

Incredibly, QPR are about to make their 12th signing of the transfer window, with Stephane M’bia set to join.

Departing the club, however, is Joey Barton, whose loan move to Marseilles is almost finalised.

Controversial – Clint Dempsey is at Spurs Lodge, according to Sky Sports News.

Do Tottenham have time to sign him in the next hour and a half?

Meanwhile, it appears Real Madrid could be about to sign Michael Essien as a replacement for Lassana Diarra.

Although, judging by their performance tonight, Chelsea could still do with a player of his quality.

Yet another City signing has just been confirmed.

The player is a young Serbian defender, and so, inevitably, has been described as “the new Vidic”.

We couldn’t resist including this…

Clint Dempsey has now accepted personal terms with Spurs.

Let’s hope it goes through – I’m thoroughly sick of hearing about the American at this stage, as I’m sure you are too.

To confirm: Clint Dempsey has signed for Spurs. Liverpool fans presumably won’t be very happy.

Moutinho could also still sign for Tottenham apparently.

Yossi Benayoun is on his way back to West Ham on loan, as Sam Allardyce continues his tendency to buy players who seem past their peak.

The question remains: will be an Okocha or a Jardel (i.e. a success or an utter failure).

Surely this can’t still happen, can it?

Tom Huddlestone now appears to be on his way to Fulham. Does this mean Spurs have made a breakthrough in the Moutinho talks?

Good riddance? Joey Barton’s loan move to Marseilles has been completed.

This just in from Michael Owen:

The transfer window has now officially closed…

CONFIRMED: MICHAEL ESSIEN HAS JOINED REAL MADRID ON LOAN.

Here is every transfer involving British clubs that’s been confirmed so far today:

Charlie Adam [Liverpool - Stoke] £5m

Patrick Agyemang [QPR - Stevenage] Free

Efe Ambrose [Ashdod - Celtic] Undisclosed

Joey Barton [QPR - Marseille] Loan

Nicklas Bendtner [Arsenal - Juventus] Loan

Dale Bennett [Watford - AFC Wimbledon] Loan

Christian Benteke [Genk - Aston Villa] Undisclosed

Dimitar Berbatov [Manchester United - Fulham] Undisclosed

Federico Bessone [Swansea - Swindon] Free

Andre Blackman [Celtic - Inverness] Loan

Romuald Boco [Sligo - Accrington] Undisclosed

Carlos Bocanegra [Rangers - Racing Santander] Loan

Cian Bolger [Leicester City - Bristol Rovers] Loan

Jordan Bowery [Chesterfield - Aston Villa] £500,000

Jay Bothroyd [QPR - Sheffield Wednesday] Loan

Dedryck Boyata [Manchester City - Twente] Loan

Benjamin Buchel [USV Eschen/Mauren - Bournemouth] Free

Paul Caddis [Swindon - Birmingham] Loan

Nathaniel Chalobah [Chelsea - Watford] Loan

Scott Christie [Bo'ness - Hamilton] Undisclosed

Giles Coke [Sheffield Wednesday - Swindon] Loan

James Coppinger [Doncaster - Nottingham Forest] Loan

Cody Cropper [Unattached - Southampton]

Lorenzo Davids [Augsburg - Bournemouth] Free

Damien Delaney [Ipswich - Crystal Palace] Free

Paul Dummett [Newcastle - St Mirren] Loan

Nathan Delfouneso [Aston Villa - Blackpool] Loan

Clint Dempsey [Fulham - Tottenham] £6m

Stephen Dobbie [Swansea - Brighton] Undisclosed

Giovani Dos Santos [Tottenham - Real Mallorca] Undisclosed

Nigel de Jong [Manchester City - AC Milan] Undisclosed

Nathan Eccleston [Liverpool - Blackpool] Undisclosed

Michael Essien [Chelsea - Real Madrid] Loan

Johnny Ertl [Sheffield United - Portsmouth] Free

Kane Ferdinand [Southend - Peterborough] £200,000

Nicolas Fedor [Getafe - Celtic] Loan

George Francomb [Norwich - AFC Wimbledon] Loan

Roman Golobart [Wigan - Tranmere] Loan

Bobby Grant [Scunthorpe - Rochdale] Undisclosed

Dean Hammond [Southampton - Brighton] Loan

Nuno Henrique [AD Fafe - Blackburn] Undisclosed

Pablo Hernandez [Valencia - Swansea] £5.55m

Iain Hume [Preston - Doncaster] Loan

Mike Jones [Sheffield Wednesday - Crawley] Undisclosed

Gael Kakuta [Chelsea - Vitesse Arnhem] Loan

Matthew Kennedy [Kilmarnock - Everton] Nominal

Hugo Lloris [Lyon - Tottenham] £11.8m

Dani Lopez [Unattached - Stevenage]

David Lopez [Athletic Bilbao - Brighton] Free

Alex MacDonald [Burnley - Plymouth] Loan

Sam Magri [Portsmouth - QPR] Free

Maicon [Inter Milan - Manchester City] Undisclosed

Stephane Mbia [Marseille - QPR] Undisclosed

David McGoldrick [Nottingham Forest - Coventry] Loan

Daryl Murphy [Celtic - Ipswich] Loan

Matija Nastasic [Fiorentina - Manchester City] £10m

Stephen N’Zonzi [Blackburn - Stoke] Undisclosed

Michael O’Halloran [Bolton - Carlisle] Loan

Andrea Orlandi [Swansea - Brighton] Undisclosed

Bryan Oviedo [FC Copenhagen - Everton] £5m

Park Chu-Young [Arsenal - Celta Vigo] Loan

Matt Parsons [Crystal Palace - Wycombe] Loan

Goran Popov [Dynamo Kiev - West Brom] Loan

Stephen Quinn [Sheffield United - Hull] Undisclosed

Gaston Ramirez [Bologna - Southampton] Undisclosed

Kieran Richardson [Sunderland - Fulham] £2m

Giovani Dos Santos [Tottenham - Real Mallorca] Undisclosed

Oliver Risser [Swindon - Stevenage] Loan

Adam Rooney [Birmingham - Swindon] Loan

Diogo Rosado [Sporting Lisbon - Blackburn] Undisclosed

Danny Rose [Tottenham - Sunderland] Loan

Darel Russell [Preston - Portsmouth] Free

Grzegorz Sandomierski [Genk - Blackburn] Loan

Stefan Savic [Manchester City - Fiorentina] Exchange

Billy Sharp [Southampton - Nottingham Forest] Loan

Scott Sinclair [Swansea - Manchester City] £6.2m

Jay Spearing [Liverpool - Bolton] Loan

Ryan Stevenson [Ipswich - Hearts] Free

Cameron Stewart [Hull - Burnley] Loan

David Stephens [Hibernian - Barnet] Free

Rafael van der Vaart [Tottenham - Hamburg] £10m

Paul Taylor [Peterborough - Ipswich] Undisclosed

Josh Thompson [Celtic - Portsmouth] Free

Ashley Westwood [Crewe - Aston Villa] Undisc

Here’s a quick poll for your amusement:

Which Premier League club has benefited most from summer signings:

Alright, that’s it from me for tonight. Thanks for reading and commenting.

It’s been as frantic a deadline day as usual with some clubs seemingly doing better business (Tottenham) than others (Liverpool). However, we’ll have to wait until the end of season to make a definitive judgement on the various deals that have been concluded tonight.

Anyway, good night!