Strapped in? Then let’s begin.

It’s going to be a long day of rumour, door-step interviews, broken fax-machines and the odd last-minute, big-money deal.

So what have we missed? Well it wouldn’t be transfer deadline day if Harry Redknapp wasn’t interviewed through his car window. It’s like the first swallow of summer.

The Spurs boss says there will be no deal for playmaker Luka Modric. So expect to see him posing with a smile and a Chelsea shirt by 11pm.

Crouchie could be gone however – he admits – and says he fancies a move for Gary Cahill.

Elsewhere, Stoke have agreed a fee with Birmingham for Cameron Jerome, Blackburn look to pull off a nice bit of business for Birmingham’sScott Dann and Wigan look set to sign Celtic’s Shaun Maloney.

Arsenal may well be the busiest club in the English top-flight today. They are being linked with further signings after swooping for defensive duo Per Mertesacker and Andre Santos. We’ll have more soon.

One young man who might rock up to the Emirates is Yossi Benayoun. Sky report he’s on the way to London with the Chelsea midfielder looks certain to be heading out of Stamford Bridge with Arsenal, Liverpool and French champions Lille are all interested.

The French club look on the brink of singing former Blue and current Liverpool man Joe Cole.

As for the Irish? Well, the first of Shamrock Rovers’ young players to leave since their high-profile win in Belgrade last week is… Enda Stevens.

Aston Villa are said to have agreed a €250,000 fee for the Irish U-21 international.

The BBC report that Owen Coyle may be on holiday…”Stop the press. We’ve just tried Bolton boss Owen Coyle on his mobile and while he didn’t actually answer, we can officially confirm that we connected on a foreign ring tone. Dun dun dun…”

Sky Sports News say that Owen Hargreaves will soon complete his switch to Manchester City. We’re through the looking-glass, people.

How do United fans feel about that one? Someone’s already prepared a poster for the city centre:

[Balls]

Meanwhile, L’Equipe - via the BBC’s Phil McNulty – say that Joe Cole’s mooted move to Lille is a runner because he reckons he could commute by Eurostar every morning.

Stewart Downing must be bored in the England’s leafy home counties base this morning. He’s tweeted that James Milner has left training with the national squad. ‘Don’t ask why’ he added. Dun dun dun.

For those wondering where Jim White is – he’ll run the anchor leg for SSN from 8pm. Right now he’s stretching, boiling some chicken and pasta and digging out the deadline day Y-fronts.

The past few deadline days have been marked by Man city’s activities of course – I hate to link to a Jason Maford joke but… here you go.

Today? They’re aiming to offload some of their squad, with midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips set for QPR and defender Nedum Onuoha interesting Stoke and Bolton.

Craig Bellamy is also linked with a Loftus Road switch – though City say other teams are interested. Veteran defender Wayne Bridge is in no-mans’ land. Anyone looking for a full back?

The Sky Sports Ipad wall thing tells us that David Ngog is off to Bolton and Bendter is off to Stoke.

Pulis and Nicklas – it’s like when you see two goths kissing on the street; I’m glad that they’ve found each other.

Sky Sports News warn us that there’s big news coming out of Old Trafford. Let’s throw caution to the wind.. Tevez? Sneijder? Neil Webb?

We’re still waiting on that ‘exciting’ news from Old Trafford…

Elsewhere, BBC Sport’s Leon Mann reportis: “Looks like Lassana Diarra’s wage demands have ruled out a move to Tottenham. Hearing both parties too far apart on deal.”

I hope Diarra – who now has Lass on his jersey – pitches up at Newcastle.

Joe Cole is talking to Villa now – he must have seen the Eurostar timetable and decided against that Lille commute.

I can confirm one more deal.. I’m about to put pen to paper on a Petis Filous and possibly a mid-morning banana. Conor’s taking over for the time being. Let’s be careful out there.

The BBC has just received a text from “George,” a United fan living in Italy, who claims to have been told that Wesley Sneijder has just boarded a plane in Milan bound for… the UK!

Pretty ambiguous, alright, but assuming he’s not about to complete a shock move to Glentoran or Celtic, it looks like the Dutch maestro could be en route to England. Or not.

Manchester City will bid farewell to Ryan McGivern, who’ll depart Eastlands on a season-long loan with Bristol City. Consider those books balanced, UEFA.

Everton have rejected a bid from Arsenal for Mikel Arteta.

I’m just going to throw my journalistic impartiality out the window for a quick, Blue-loving fist pump. GET IN!

Yossi Benayoun has rejected a loan move to Lille. Didn’t he hear their innovative Eurostar pitch?

Liverpool have completed the signing of Uruguayan defender Sebastian Coates. Damien Comolli claims the club have been tracking the 20-year-old for two years. According to the Guardian, it was Luis Suarez who encouraged the youngster to make the switch.

Sky Sports are just repeating Harry Redknapp’s claim that he’s 100,000,000% certain Luka Modric will be not be going to Chelsea. Spurs fans everywhere, apart from those with a healthy respect for mathematics, rejoice.

Talksport is bringing us the latest from Goodison Park.

Alan Curbishley is in the Sky Sports News studio sharing some top-notch professional insight. Selling clubs will be trying to get the best deals for their players, apparently, whereas buying clubs will be trying to buy players before the transfer window closes.

Thanks, Alan.

The BBC reports that Keisuke Honda‘s agent has told the Japanese press that his client will not be moving to Arsenal.

The very serious bald guy is wrestling with Sky Sports’ giant touchscreen again. He’s trying to tell us that Fulham are on the verge of signing FC Twente’s Bryan Ruiz and Juventus’s Zdenek Grygera.

Stoke have agreed a fee with Birmingham for Cameron Jerome! Why?

Self-confidence’s Niklas Bendtner, however, will not be making his way to Britannia Stadium.

The Guardian’s Stuart James reports that Aston Villa think they’ve missed out on Joe Cole, who may have already agreed a loan move to Lille.

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United’s Johnny Evans has agreed to change his squad number. He’ll now wear Wes Brown’s old No.6 because “it’s more of a defender’s number than 23 and looks nicer.”

Sky Sports notes that Crouchie is still at Tottenham’s training ground in Chigwell! If he’s to make the 217-mile trip to Sunderland today, he’ll have to get moving soon.

Hm… Portuguese newspaper A Bola claims that Porto want a season-long loan of Romelu Lukaku to be included in any deal they complete with Chelsea for then services of wing-back Alvaro Pereira.

A nearly hysterical Sky Sports reporter has confirmed that Sunderland expect to sign QPR’s Anton Ferdinand.

Joe Cole will be definitely be playing for Lille (or at least sitting behind their dugout, injured) next season.

Some moany Arsenal fan is ranting away about “world class players” on Sky News. What is a “world class player,” exactly?

The BBC’s Phil McNulty thinks Leicester might be putting together a last-minute offer for Everton’s Jermaine Beckford. I can’t see Everton selling one of their two strikers without hope of securing a replacement, but…

Alex Hleb, who’s still a Barca player, believe it or not, will spend next season on loan at Wolfsburg.

My favourite Sky Sports link of the day so far: “Is this man [Scott Parker] destined for a move? We’ll talk to a man who’s sold him: NEXT.”

Logical inconsistency, for the win!

Big news from Germany: Chelsea look to be closing in on Bayern Munich’s Franck Ribery. The BBC claim the fee is hovering around an implausibly modest €22m.

There’s more on Leicester City’s interest in Jermaine Beckford. Sven’s outfit have made a bid of £2.5m for the striker. Don’t even think about it, JB.

Swansea are trying to secure a loan move for Fulham’s Rafik Halliche.

Earlier on, Harry Redknapp claimed that he was just anxious to see Peter Crouch play football (somewhere else). Now, Sky Sports have reported that Manchester City are anxious to see Shaun Wright-Phillips “get on and play football” (away from Eastlands).

“Get on an play football” is looking an early contender for Euphemism of the Day.

Are Arsenal about to sign Eden Hazard? The winger has handed in a transfer request at Lille today, the footballing equivalent of firing a rescue flare.

Lassana Diarra won’t be leaving Real Madrid for Milan.

Sky’s serious bald guy is back (yes, with his touchscreen). He’s just confirming everything I’ve already told you. #ontheball

Alan Curbishley, who’s focusing on the “Modrick” situation, is back with more nuggets of wisdom. Sometimes, the closing of the transfer window forces players to think about other things and not bother their manager every day with transfer requests.

Think about that.

Then think about this: EVERTON HAVE MADE A SIGNING! Argentinian striker, Denis Stracqualuisi, will join the Merseysiders on loan for the rest of the season. Could that be Beckford on his way, then?

The Argentinian will join Diniyar Bilyaletdinov in Everton’s increasingly unpronounceable attacking line-up.

Leicester are preparing another, £7m-plus, bid for Rangers’ Nikica Jelavic and QPR are accelerating their efforts to sign lanky goal-poacher Peter Crouch.

I’m going to have to hook myself up to some sort of nutrient drip for the afternoon; Transfer Deadline Day doesn’t break for lunch!

Radio Leicester have confirmed that Leicester City have had a £4m bid for Everton’s Jermain Beckford accepted. The ex-Leeds United man is yet to agree personal terms.

Good news for Celtic fans? Georgios Samaras looks set to stay at Celtic Park. The hirsute striker has turned down a couple of offers from Ligue 1.

Still no news on Niklas Bendtner, who’s yet to be linked with a move.

Further musings from big Al Curbishley: “If you’re buying a big player, he has to pass that medical.”

If you’re at all curious about Everton’s latest signing, Denis Stracqualuisi, there’s a YouTube video of highlights currently doing the rounds. Worryingly, it’s titled “Compilation of Denis Stracqualursi.” Please don’t let Everton be guilty of a Luther Blissettt-esque case of mistaken identity.

Latest Twitter rumour: Carlos Tevez to Chelsea? Hm. How about Tevez to Everton on loan? Or how about the BBC’s infinitely more reasonable “Carlos Tevez concedes he must stay at Manchester City”?

Scott Parker has completed his move to Spurs! This could pave the way for a Wilson Palacios transfer to Stoke later on in the day. Stoke, though, are anxious that Peter Crouch be included in any deal involving the midfielder.

Alan Curbishley is still talking about Luka “Modrick”.

Shamrock Rovers’ Enda Stevens looks set to link up with Spurs in January.

Sky Sports is talking to a completely random Arsenal fan about Eden Hazard. He is, according to said fan, “quite a good player”.

It looks like Kilmarnock will be signing Udinese’s Mohammadou Sissoko on loan for the rest of the season.

I’m going to pass the baton to my colleague, Niall. The mounting hysteria has proven too much for me, I’m afraid.

Afternoon all, Niall here (love that my name gets bolded like a Premier League superstar).

If you’re wondering what you’re yourself getting into for the next little while, I’m more a deadline day grinch than a Jim White, so apologies in advance for the scepticism.

Bundesliga expert Raphael Honigstein has taken to Twitter to pour some cold water on the Ribery-to-Chelsea rumours. He makes a compelling case, I must say:

“a) He’s CL-tied b) Reported wages on offer far too low c) German transfer list closed, so Bayern couldn’t bring anyone in, even if they sold.”

Woah woah woah – hold everything. HOLD EVERYTHING.

Sky Sports News are reporting that Peter Crouch left Tottenham’s training ground via a different exit to the one which he normally uses.

A different exit? Is he on his way to Stoke? Or is it QPR?

Just in case you were getting worried Liverpool fans, here is photographic evidence that Joe Cole is now a Lille player.

(Courtesy of www.losc.fr)

OK, here is the irrefutable evidence that Wesley Sneijder is moving to Manchester United.

Eighteen hours ago, Mrs Sneijder — who also goes by the name Yolanthe Cabau — tweeted: “I follow my husband wherever he goes.. love him till death! Have a great evening you all!”

A couple of hours later, the man himself followed it up with this: “Goodnight everyone!! Thanks for all the support. From all over the world!”

“From all over the world,” Wesley? Or just from Manchester?

Like I said, irrefutable.

I hope Ulises Davila didn’t unpack his bags in London. After signing for Chelsea at the weekend, the 20-year-old Mexican has already been shipped out on loan to Dutch side Vitesse Arnhem.

I don’t know about you, but when Sky Sports News announce that they have learned something “completely out of leftfield,” I expect to hear something a little bit surprising.

Or, at least a little bit more surprising than that Liverpool are looking at Craig Bellamy, which I’m pretty sure was first mooted about ten days ago.

Sigh.

Ok, that’s my stint in the transfer playground for the moment. I leave you in the very capable hands of our main man, TheScore.ie‘s equivalent of Jim White – Paul Fennessy.

Laters.

Hello, all. Paul here. I’ll be taking over from here. Let the transfer deadline chaos ensue…

Leon Mann of BBC Sport is reporting that Sunderland’s Asamoah Gyan has handed in a transfer request. I’m assuming Gyan was a tad offended by Steve Bruce’s recent comments that Sunderland have never really replaced Darren Bent.

One of the biggest stories so far is that Scott Parker has signed for Spurs. What do you reckon? Will he be a good signing?

Sky Sports News are reporting that Craig Bellamy may be on his way to Liverpool. Apparently he “worked his socks off” while playing for City’s 3rd team the other week. Beats playing in the Championship I suppose.

CONFIRMED: ANDRE SANTOS TO ARSENAL. Who is he? A 28-year-old Brazilian left-back who they’ve bought from Fenerbahce for £6.2m apparently. Not the name Arsenal fans were hoping for perhaps, but then again, they do desperately need a left-back, so he could turn out to be an important signing.

Love when Sky Sports interview the fans. One fan says they should sign Edin Hazard because he’s “a good player”. I’m sorry, have you ever actually seen him play? Just because Football Manager says he’s good doesn’t make it so.

Bad news for Arsenal fans. Apparently Nicklas Bendtner’s move to Everton has collapsed.

BREAKING: It’s the news half of Twitter has been waiting for: JIM WHITE HAS ENTERED THE SKY SPORTS NEWS BUILDING. The beloved news anchor, not to be confused with the South American singer of the same name.

CONFIRMED: CHRISTIAN POULSEN TO EVIAN - No, not the mineral water, the French football club. With Joe Cole moving and now, the less-than-great Dane departing, this is turning out to be a very good day for Liverpool fans.

Yakubu is “close” to a move to Blackburn apparently, according Rory Smith’s Twitter feed. I hope he knows what he’s let himself in for.

Our very own Niall Kelly has just informed me that Rohan Ricketts is having a medical at Euro giant-killers Shamrock Rovers. Ricketts has also confirmed this on his Twitter feed… Talk about a glamour signing. Ricketts looked quite the player in his Tottenham days. Hopefully he’ll get his career back on track at Rovers.

Sky Sports News’ resident transfer deadline day expert, Alan Curbishley, has said Neil Warnock would “love the problem of having Craig Bellamy and Joey Barton at the club”. That would leave him very much in the minority, I’m guessing.

Matt Lawton of The Daily Mail is reporting that West Ham will try to compensate for the loss of Scott Parker with moves for David Bentley and Arsenal youngster Henri Lansbury. Will they miss Parker that much though? They certainly didn’t last week when they beat Nottingham Forest 4-1.

Ahhh, nothing has happened for at least two minutes now. We can all relax for once.

I genuinely get the feeling that, after months of endless negotiating, by deadline day, clubs are so fed up that they’ll sign anyone just for the sake of signing someone.

You can expect “no more than five” signings at QPR today. Jeez, no wonder Neil Warnock sounds a bit stressed, he’s going to be a busy man. Anton Ferdinand, one of their primary targets, is currently waiting to have a medical at QPR according to his Twitter feed.

Apparently Jermaine Jenas has given Sky Sports News a rather cryptic “thumbs-up”. What could that possibly mean? This is beginning to feel like an episode of Twin Peaks.

CONFIRMED: PER MERTESACKER TO ARSENAL. Two signings in as many hours. That should hopefully appease those disillusioned Arsenal fans for a bit. Will they replace Fabregas though?

In other Spurs news, they’ve apparently offered Sebastian Bassong as part of a deal to sign the Bolton’s much-coveted Gary Cahill – the player who at one stage had the option of playing for Ireland.

In one of the weirder signings of the day, Brighton have bought Vicente from Valencia. He really has fallen from glory, having been a regular in the Spain side circa early 2000s. Even more weirdly, his Wikipedia entry says he plays for Gay and Proud Albion FC. Wikipedia, eh?

Ghana international Stephen Appiah might be signing for PAOK Salonika. Shamrock Rovers better watch out, as they prepare to face the Greek side in the Europa League.

CONFIRMED: HENRI LANSBURY TO WEST HAM: Arsenal lose another player, albeit not quite in the Nasri/Fabregas league.

Craig Bellamy is in talks with Liverpool, who are apparently prioritising the deal. Looks like all has been forgiven after this rather unsavoury incident.

Everton have said Mikel Arteta will not be leaving for Arsenal or anyone else, according to Guillem Balague. Arsenal really could do with signing a decent midfielder before the end of the day.

BREAKING: Phew! There’s a lot going on at Spurs. Tottenham sources are saying Gary Cahill is 50:50 to sign for the club, while Peter Crouch is apparently on his way to Stoke and Fulham have made a £4m bid for Alan Hutton. In addition, it looks like David Bentley to West Ham, QPR signing Sebastien Bassong and Jermaine Jenas moving to Aston Villa on loan for a year.

Ugh, some cricket news has just totally wrecked Sky Sports News’ deadline day buzz.

Shamrock Rovers have confirmed that Enda Stevens will sign for Aston Villa in January. Looks like he should be available for at least some of their Europa League games. Given their incredible recent success, you have to ask: will he be the first of many?

The Mirror have just claimed that they can exclusively reveal: ‘Bellamy set for Liverpool return’. Hmmm…

Sky Sports News presenter Georgie Thompson has just laughed hysterically, as a reporter fails to realise he is live. It’s been that kind of day.

CONFIRMED: DAVID BENTLEY TO ASTON VILLA ON LOAN: Can the ex-new David Beckham recapture his early-career form. He’d better hope so. Alex McLeish looks like the type of person you don’t want to disappoint. The ginger Godfather anyone?

Deary me. If I hear that Sky Sports News interview with Neil Warnock (i.e. the only manager who’s actually agreed to talk to them) one more time, I swear I’m going to scream.

Here’s what Everton target Royston Drenthe sounds like singing (h/t The Last Word):

Kanye is currently quaking in his boots.

Man City have refused to listen to enquiries about Adam Johnson from Chelsea and several Spanish clubs, according to Guillem Balague.

Craig Bellamy has left the Wales training camp in order to have a medical at Liverpool. It will be interesting to see how he fares, given his well-documented injury problems in the past.

BREAKING: Sky Sports News have announced that Georgie Thompson is trending on Twitter. And she has just offered her co-presenter some chocolate. I can’t keep up with this excitement!

Tottenham won’t be signing Giuseppe Rossi apparently, as his valuation is in the region of £40m – only £5m more than Andy Carroll though.

Nothing’s really happened for a while now, so I guess everyone’s taking a break for dinner.

Everton and Arsenal are now deep in talks about the possibility of Mikel Arteta moving clubs, as following the loss of Fabregas, they look to sign a like-for-like replacement.

The Guardian have a handy up-to-date list of all the transfers that have been confirmed so far, save for the Enda Stevens and Jermaine Jenas transfers, which they presumably don’t consider important enough. Anyhow, you can view the list in full here.

Dan Roan of the BBC reports that the Arteta deal will “go down to the wire”. If it misses the deadline, will the relevant authorities show some leniency, as they have done before.

Best accidental pun I’ve heard in a while: “If Tony Pullis pulls it off,” Alan Curbishley says, speaking about the potential Peter Crouch to Stoke transfer.

Royston Drenthe is reportedly on his way for talks with Everton. Perhaps he’ll compose a song for them (see video below).

“WE WANT CAHILL!” shouts a Spurs fan in a thick North London accent in front of the Sky Sports News cameras. They also will be glad to see the back of Peter Crouch, Alan Hutton and in particular, David Bentley. They also apparently aren’t – like the rest of us – even aware that Giovani dos Santos is still at the club. Meanwhile, the Stoke fans “like the idea” of Cameron Jerome signing for the club.

Owen Hargreaves’ move to City will happen tonight and the player says he’s ready to play “40 games a season”. Well, he looks in good health here anyway.

Anton Ferdinand has heard a rumour that he’s failed a medical at QPR, while Jack Wilshere has tweeted Sky Sports News to say he will “tuned in all night” to their coverage. It seems like players are more interested in the coverage than the actual transfers.

A Sky Sports News presenter has actually used the phrase: “Show us the money”. I know what this calls for:

Right, I’m off to grab some dinner. Niall Kelly is back to keep my seat warm…

Ready for a Yossi Benayoun update? The latest buzzing is that the Israeli international will go to Arsenal if — and only if — the Gunners fail to snap up Mikael Arteta. Otherwise, he could well be heading back to Anfield.

I feel like I might need a flow-chart to stay on top of this one.

Those famous “Sky sources” have indicated that a Peter Crouch to Stoke deal is pretty much done.

I say “pretty much” because that report comes with the caveat that Crouchie has to sort out some financial issues with Spurs before the deal can go through. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean, but it’s probably not as dodgy as it sounds.

In other crucial deadline day news, we are now just over an hour away from the arrival of Jim White in the Sky Sports News studio.

Of course, White’s arrival will coincide with the departure of Georgie Thompson. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

These Alan Hutton to Fulham rumours simply will not die. BBC Sport’s Dan Roan reports that if the Spurs man does choose to stay in London, Aston Villa boss Alex McLeish may step up his pursuit of Newcastle’s Danny Simpson instead.

Thoughts, Villa fans? Who would you prefer to sign?

Mikael Arteta’s proposed transfer to Arsenal is now off. How do I know? I don’t, but that’s the latest word on the street. Expect this one to go on and on right until 22:59. If the price is right, I’d be surprised to see the Spaniard stay at Goodison.

French newspaper L’Equipe are reporting that Marseille are pursuing a season-long loan deal for Sunderland’s Asamoah Gyan. Why would Steve Bruce let him go? File under “unlikely.”

Oh good. Arsenal fan Tim Payton (the man who famously told us earlier on today that we “might not have heard of Eden Hazard”) is back on Sky Sports News.

“Do the Arsenal board consult you about transfer targets?” the microphone man asks. Mercifully for all involved, Tim dodged the question by talking about something else entirely.

‘Arry is still 100,000,000% certain Luka Modric will be not be going to Chelsea (see 12:09).

How many more times am I going to have to hear that this evening?

As Bugs Bunny used to say, that’s all folks. From me, anyway.

The legend that is Paul Fennessy is back in the hotseat. I’ve heard that “Paul” and Jim White have never been seen in the same place at the same time, so I’ll be keeping an anxious eye on proceedings around the witching hour of 8pm.

Enjoy the rest of the madness.

Thanks Niall. I just want to categorically state that I am not Jim White.

Shaun Wright-Phillips becomes the 7,522nd person to have a medical today (at QPR). And at least half of those were footballers.

Arsenal won’t, I repeat, won’t, be signing Mikel Arteta according to those in the know. Oh well, they’d better hope Jack Wilshere returns from injury fairly sharpish.

Bryan Swanson is saying that they will now attempt to tie up a desperate quick-fire loan deal for Yossi Benayoun (aka Plan Z).

Sunderland are looking to secure a deal for Daniel Sturridge. Meanwhile, Gyan has denied he has put in a transfer bid. In addition, someone called Patrick van Aanholt, who apparently plays for Chelsea, has signed for Wigan on loan.

David N’Gog could be about to sign for Bolton. He seems to love these deadline days, having also signed for Liverpool at the last minute three years ago.

Ian Dowie has now joined the Sky Sports News crew, and astutely points out that there is “always the temptation to panic buy”.

BREAKING: Newcastle have joined the race to sign Bryan Ruiz, with a cheeky last-minute bid to take him away from Fulham’s grasp. Newcastle are also saying they have a helicopter on standby for the player.

CONFIRMED: OWEN HARGREAVES TO MAN CITY. At last! Great to see Hargreaves get a decent move. Will he get anywhere near the City first team though?

Piers Morgan is not happy. He tweets: “Arteta deal OFF? What a farce. Either Wenger or the #Arsenal board has monumentally screwed up this summer’s transfer business. Maybe both.”

CONFIRMED: Celtic have signed left-back Badr El Kaddouri on loan – a Moroccan international with 40 international caps. Whatever happened to the good old days of bread-and-butter left-backs such as Lee Naylor?

Wow! Adam Johnson might be signing for Stoke. That’s sort of like the footballing equivalent of when your best mate scores someone who’s way too good-looking for their standards.

FINALLY! Jim White’s arrival in the Sky Sports News studio is imminent. If transfer deadline day is Sky Sports News’ equivalent of Christmas, then White is definitely Santa.

While we await the arrival of the great one, here’s a video that may be of interest to Shamrock Rovers fans:

THIS JUST IN! Luka Modric apparently still isn’t going anywhere. Sigh…

El Hadji Diouf, one of the greatest players of all time according to Pele, has been released on a free transfer by Blackburn.

Sunderland have apparently increased the asking price for Anton Ferdinand at the last minute, having initially agreed a fee with QPR. Very cheeky.

“No disrespect to Cameron Jerome, but a much, much bigger name – Peter Crouch – is waiting in the wings,” says a Sky reporter. Sort of reminds me of that time Ian Wright said: “Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match.”

It was too good to be true wasn’t it? Adam Johnson and Man City have both dismissed speculation linking the player with a move to Stoke.

Arsenal are signing a giant centre-back by the name of “Per Mertestrassa” according to Sky Sports News. Sounds awfully similar to Per Mertesacker.

Meanwhile, we can expect a big-name mystery Tottenham signing. How exciting!

If I never hear Luka Modric’s name again, it’ll be too soon.

Royston Drenthe is now at Goodison Park. Will he have to undergo an X Factor-style audition to prove his worth (see 17.18)?

Despite Wigan signing van Aanholt from Chelsea, the London club aren’t letting the unhappy Josh McEachran move to Roberto Martinez’s side. Also, a Stoke’s deal for Wilson Palacios is “pretty much done”… So expect it to fall through any minute now.

Guillem Balague says that one of the reasons Arteta’s move failed was that Everton were considerably peeved at Arsenal’s slovenliness in bidding for the player.

Sebastien Bassong’s move “has virtually hit the skids”. I love Jim White.

CONFIRMED: DAVID N’GOG TO BOLTON: Presumably to make room for Craig Bellamy’s imminent arrival at the club? Also, N’Gog has moved on a 3-year deal apparently.

Hmmm, Metro Sport are reporting that Arsenal and Arteta are now in talks after all. Can’t the two clubs just make up their minds already?

Jermain Beckford has signed for Leicester City from Everton according to some yet-to-be-confirmed reports. He didn’t last long, did he?

Ian Dowie claims Mertsacker “does what he says on the tin” and “still thinks there’s some legs in the Bassong deal”. Not sure he has much evidence for those claims. Then again, it’s transfer deadline day, when all evidence goes out the window.

CRAZY RUMOUR OF THE DAY!!! Kaka to Spurs. Could this be true? It will be great for the Premier League if it does happen.

Yossi Benayoun has just tweeted: “staying in London… will sign soon… i will twitt [sic] when it happens.” So he’s going to Arsenal? The closer we come to the deadline, the more cryptic things get, it seems.

Meanwhile, in non-deadline day news, Jose Mourihno will become manager of PSG in the summer, according to Mark Ogden of the Daily Telegraph.

Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time these rumours emerged.

Harry Redknapp has said “we tried to hook a big one but it got away”. No late surprise, he says. Sky must be gutted.

Apparently, the Bassong deal fell through after Spurs failed to sign Cahill. Harry looks shattered. Feel sorry for him, he just can’t get away from those reporters.

BREAKING: Cameron Jerome drives a Porsche… And has just arrived at Stoke’s training ground.

HARRY REDKNAPP has said he heard Spurs turned down a £4omillion bid for Modric. You have to hand it to Tottenham, they have seemingly stayed true to their claims that the player is not available at any price.

BREAKING: Mikel Arteta has renewed talks with Arsenal. The deal originally stalled over the player’s wage demands apparently. Amazing! The Metro were right after all!

As there is just over an hour and half left in the transfer window, and because nothing’s going on at the moment, here’s another poll for you:

Which club has done the best transfer business this summer?

The Mirror says their “man in the know” claims Arteta has renewed talks with Arsenal. Would that “man in the know” be the one staff member who happens to be watching Sky Sports News?

Despite reports that he is being a bit of a diva over his wage demands, Jeremy Wilson of The Telegraph claims Arteta is willing to take a pay cut to move. Big news on the Spaniard is coming up apparently…

Blackburn have wrapped moves for Scott Dann and Yakubu. Not bad, not bad at all, seems to be the consensus.

Sky Sports News have shown us “pictures” of Peter Crouch at the Stoke ground. You’d swear it was Lady Gaga the way they’re going on about him.

And Sky Sports News’ big Arteta-related news is… he has asked to leave Everton? Hold on a sec, that was all over Twitter over an hour ago. Get with the programme Sky Sports News.

Rory Smith thinks Arteta is not the player he was, softening the blow somewhat by saying he’s “one of the nicest men in football”. Do you agree?

CONFIRMED: PALACIOS TO STOKE. Do Stoke’s signings/imminent signings signal the end for some of their Irish contingent? Rory Delap, Glenn Whelan and Jon Walters must be worried. That’s assuming these hard men are actually capable of feeling worried.

CONFIRMED: MERTSACKER TO ARSENAL. Arsene Wenger is apparently “delighted” to capture the big man. One man who won’t be pleased is Gary Cahill, who looks like he’ll have to stay at Bolton. Ditto, Luka Modric (promise, this is the last time I’ll mention him).

Bendtner may yet be on his way to Sunderland according to reports. Keep your fingers crossed Arsenal fans.

BREAKING: Craig Bellamy has arrived at Liverpool‘s training ground. Whatever happened to City’s policy of not selling players to their rivals? Or are they just so desperate to get rid of Bellamy that they’ll sell him to anyone at this stage?

Given that there’s just under an hour left in the deadline and the tension is mounting, as sides “push it to the limit” in their efforts to buy and sell players, I thought this might be apt:

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaah. What is going on??” tweets Louis Saha, who is clearly not best pleased with his club’s transfer policy.

An update of all today’s confirmed signings can be found here, courtesy of our esteemed colleagues at The Guardian.

It’s all gone rather quiet at the moment. Will there be a shock last-minute deal, as has been the case in previous years, with Rafa van der Vaart springing to mind?

Sky Sports News keeps having to apologise for the people behind the camera swearing. Tut-tut, some people…

Wow! This transfer saga has had more unexpected twists than M. Night Shyamalan’s entire filmography. The Sunday Times’ Duncan Castles is now hearing that the Arteta deal is off.

Peter Crouch is often criticised for his lack of goals, but his assists record is pretty impressive – 17 in the past three seasons, according to Opta Joe. Maybe he’ll do a decent job for Stoke. Then again, those Spurs fans from earlier sounded pleased to see the back of him.

Rangers have turned down a £9m bid for Jelovic from an unnamed club. And Wesley Sneijder has confirmed he’ll be staying at Inter this season. So much for that big United-related news that Sky were hyping up earlier.

BREAKING: BENAYOUN HAS SIGNED FOR ARSENAL!!!

Ooh! Raul Meireles has submitted a transfer request. He really has left it late, and this move could easily backfire on him, if Chelsea or whoever it is fail to get their man.

CONFIRMED: WRIGHT-PHILLIPS TO QPR. QPR really have been busy today. Dave Bassett thinks “QPR is the ideal club for him personally”. The man of the moment has been speaking to Sky. Like everyone else, he looks and sounds pretty shattered.

CONFIRMED: BELLAMY SIGNS 2-YEAR DEAL AT LIVERPOOL!!! Most surprising move of the day perhaps?

Yossi Benayoun’s tweet in full, replete with pidgeon English: “I sign with arsenal, very happy and excited about it,but now my head is only in the game against greece on friday, thanks for the support.” He seems happy, but have Arsenal just committed the cardinal transfer deadline day sin of making a panic buy?

In Irish news, Everton’s Shane Duffy has signed for Scunthorpe on a one-month loan. If he sounds familiar, then you probably remember him from this story.

CONFIRMED: HUTTON HAS SIGNED FOR VILLA IN A £4MILLION DEAL.

Less than four minutes to go until the deadline passes…

Apparently, the Arteta deal is very much touch-and-go. I suppose Arsenal fans are used to nerve-wracking finishes.

Just as I typed that last sentence, Jim White has told me (indirectly) that Arsenal are preparing the paper work on the Arteta deal.  Ditto, Stoke and Crouch.

Transfer deadline day is over. Sky Sports News has said that transfer deadline day has had all “the drama and suspense we’d hoped for”. Just a touch hyperbolic perhaps.

Rory Smith is saying that Chelsea have put in a late, late 15 million euro bid for Raul Meireles.

A lot of people on Twitter are saying it’s been an anti-climactic deadline day. That Kaka to Spurs deal would have have helped generate a bit more excitement. If only it wasn’t completely made up.

CONFIRMED: BENDTNER TO SUNDERLAND. This has turned out to be a pretty good day for Arsenal. Not a sentence that’s been written too often of late.

CONFIRMED: RAUL MEIRELES SIGNS A FOUR-YEAR DEAL AT CHELSEA!!! Well that was rather sudden.

Apparently, the Premier League stipulations state that once you have started on the paper work prior to 11pm, transfers completed after the deadline are indeed legitimate. So all those reports of clubs “rushing to get through paper work” are clearly rubbish.

Arsenal fans are celebrating the transfer of Mikel Arteta rather loudly. The Sky reporter is almost indecipherable as a result.

CONFIRMED: EVERTON SIGN DUTCH MIDFIELDER/SINGING SENSATION ROYSTON DRENTHE. Is he adequate compensation for the loss of Arteta though?

So, the transfer window winners judging by people’s reactions: QPR, Blackburn, Arsenal, and Stoke. I could be forgetting someone (forgive me, it’s getting late).

And the losers, again based on people’s reactions: Newcastle, Tottenham, and Everton. There are also a few ones that are debatable – Liverpool and Man City (will Hargreaves make any difference whatsoever?).

@cardboardSG is telling us the best summer transfer business has been done by Roma – Fernando Gago, Bojan, Miralem Pjanic and Simon Kjaer have all signed for the Italian club. To be fair, he has a point.

The Mirror are reporting that the Cahill-to-Spurs deal was ended after Owen Coyle insisted that Jermain Defoe would have to move in the other direction for the transfer to happen.

CONFIRMED: PETER CROUCH HAS FINALLY SIGNED!!! They’ll be dancing in the streets of Stoke tonight.

CONFIRMED: ANTON FERDINAND TO QPR.

You can have one last look at that super-handy Guardian list of confirmed transfers here.

Right, that’s it from me. Remember not too worry too much whether or not your club did well this transfer window. And even if looks like they’ll now definitely get relegated, don’t despair: the Ireland match will be here on Friday to cheer you up, and we’ll be liveblogging minute-by-minute coverage of it #shamelessplugfail. So thanks for reading and for giving your comments. I’m going to have a very long lie-down now…