Welcome to Gelsenkirchen ladies and gentlemen, it’s a balmy nigh… well, actualy we’re in the our usual seat.

I’m just back from a humbling hour of indoor football and, like The Sweeney, I haven’t had my dinner yet.

But it should be an intriguing night of football.

Here are your teams

Schalke 04: Neuer; Uchida, Matip, Metzelder, Sarpei; Farfan, Papadopoulous*, Jurado*, Baumjohann; Raul*, Edu
Subs: Schober, Escudero, Plestan, Kluge, Charisteas, Karimi, Draxler
* = on booking

United: Van der Sar; Fabio, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra; Valencia, Carrick, Giggs, Park; Rooney, Hernandez
Subs: Kuszczak, Anderson, Smalling, Nani, Scholes, Rafael, Evans

Ref: C Carballo (Spain)

The last time I actually was in Gelsenkirchen I fell asleep outside, having failed to get a ticket for Portugal versus England. Some beer was taken.

Wayne Rooney had a worse afternoon that time around though I soon learned.

The teams are currently doing that walk-and-handshake as we near kick-off. Get you predictions in.

MEGS! Raul’s first touch was to put the ball through Carrick’s legs. That boy will go far.

Park almost put United one-up with drive from inside the area. Neuer made a really impressive one-handed stop and then got up for what Lawro describes as a ‘Schmeichel star-jump’ to save from an offside Hernandez.

Chicarito then tests the German keeper again 60 seconds later. United look menacing going forward.

Those playing ‘commentator bingo’ can scratch off ‘top,top player’. Thank you, Trevor.

No one took me up on the offer of Agger’s Ashes last week. The winningest prediction – as they kinda say on ESPN – can take it off my desk before I end up reading it.

The football game? It’s really open and the stadium is rocking. It could be pretty high-scoring, relatively speaking.

Woah! Hernandez beat the flag to get a one-on-one with Neuer but again the German keeper got down to save.

Lawro says United will have this tie wrapped up if it keeps going like this. Just to confirm it’s nil-all.

If you read Paul Ring’s Study Guide to this tie this morning, you won’t be as surprised as Lawro sounds by the German’s tactics.

“Schalke’s philosophy is simple: all out attack. United’s is a bit more muddled: attack when the numbers add up but make sure we defend. Call it an economical philosophy. They will try to absorb the punches and reply with a knockout jab.

“Schalke will hope their ceaseless running will wear down a United side possibly running on empty after a long domestic season.”

Hernandez had another glimpse at Neuer’s eyes there. He dragged the ball back onto his left but it flew wide.

And then seconds later Rooney and the Mexican carve open the Schalke back four but the chance is wasted when Chicharito tries to pull it back for his strike partner when he might have taken it himself.

As an aside Sesame Street’s Papadopoulous is playing in that under-fire defence. Here he is with old pal Big Bird.

(Confession: while I was watching YouTube clips of Oscar and Elmo, Hernandez missed the target again.)

Neuer made another fine stop from a Ryan Giggs’ header there. He’s the busiest German on the pitch and the best player on the park so far.

Ryan Giggs pinged one long for Rooney who left it bounce it away from him on the edge of the box. There’s 32 minutes on the clock and it’s a miracle there’s been no goals.

Metzelder who is having a complete ‘mare is then booked for a cynical foul on Rooney. Lawro says the German international ‘looks slower than you’ to Trevor.

He’s not wrong.

This is getting ridiculous. United players queue up to take pot shots at Schalke’s goal.

First Neuer stops from Hernandez, Park has a go, Chicharito again… but eventually it’s hacked away.

Fabio takes his point from the edge of the box. Schalke no score, Manchester United 0-1.

Ralf Rangnick isn’t one for the hairdryer treatment I reckon but he’s going to have to rattle a few tea cups or something at half-time.

“They call him the professor” Trevor said earlier.

“Well he’s had his head in a book for the last 20 minutes” replied Lawro.

TV3 need to get these two on the Saturday tea-time slot instead of Ant and Dec.

Neuer saved again. In future, just presume he’s making amazing saves. It will save us both some time.

Half-time here, Ger. I’m going to heat up that blue-cheese soup, Niall brought back for me earlier.

If you see gibberish like this on your screen “dfgfkgjdjkfhgjvczfxdjkfhdjkfdugfsdiuouuyevcbdwq” it’s probably me puking on the keyboard.

It’s Keown and Cas on the TV3 couch with Matt Cooper. They both express their views on the impressive Neuer and then we go to an ad break.

Oooooh… another Transformers movie.

Cascarino does actually temper his views of the German keeper by saying Neuer hasn’t barracked his back four all night. And if there’s four men in European football who need a barracking – it’s that quartet.

Schmeichel would have lost his voice by now.

Gold from the Guardian MBM: “re: Valencia’s left foot: If people are particularly gifted at one thing, why do people harp on about what they can’t do? If they spent more time working on something else, maybe they wouldn’t be as good at what they’re really good at. I listened to Adele’s CD the other day, and my enjoyment would have been diminished if I’d spent the whole team grumping about why she doesn’t play the cello.” – Ted Lee, M.B.A.

For those looking for a few handy Fantasy Football points, Stoke are two-up on Wolves.

Here’s the opener from Kenwyne Jones.

The second half starts much like the first. Neuer makes a save from an Evra header. Another corner. More pressure.

Giggsy, Giggsy, Giggsy! The ball comes to the veteran on the left, he turns inside two defenders and then shanks it towards Hamburg.

They’ll have to score one, right?

I absolutely love the way that Lawro asks Trevor questions throughout the match. It’s a white-knuckle ride.

For those wondering how the blue-cheese soup went down it’s quite like what Chou En Lai said some years ago when asked what he thought the historic impact of the French Revolution is: it’s too soon to tell.

Not much happening in the game to be honest.

I’m trying to think of another Gelsenkirchen anecdote but I didn’t do much other than not get into the stadium and fall asleep 100 yards from one of the most dramatic games of the entire 2006 World Cup.

Here’s footage of Stoke’s second goal – scored by Ryan Shawcross – against Wolves. I feel bad for Mick McCarthy.

Fabio becomes the first United player to be booked tonight, when he fouls Jose Jurado.

Jaysus. United are under a bit of pressure here. We’re waiting for the second of two successive corners.

Raul lollipopped the ball to the back post and Rio Ferdinand looks uncomfortabel for the first time.

Okay, we’ve had the most recent corner and I would definitely have done better.*

*possibly

GOAL! Schalke 0 Manchester United 1 Ryan Giggs at last puts the visitors one-up.

Rooney played a lovely ball  in from the D and the Welshman slid it under Neuer. It’s been coming obviously.

GOAL! They’ve only scored another one.

Valencia broke down the right, knocked it square for Hernandez and he fed Rooney who clipped it in the corner.

Impressive stuff and this is all over.

Scholes and Anderson come on for Park and Hernandez. We might get a few X-rated tackles to while away the last 15 minutes.

At the Britannia, Jermaine O’Pennant has made his case for an Ireland call-up with another Stoke goal. 3-0.

10 minutes to go. We’re shown forlorn faces in the crowd and tattered banners in German. Neither Trevor, Lawro or I attempt to translate it.

Going on my Leaving Certificate level German however, I think they might have been asking directions to the town hall.

Rooney is taken off a few minutes early. Nani’s on to play down the middle and Giggsy goes to the left.

From the ever-dependable OptaJoe: “10 – Ryan Giggs’ opener v Schalke was his 10th CL away goal and his first in Germany for 10 years (April 2001 v Bayern). Vorsprung.”

Evra and Nani link up nicely again on the left wing and it’s the French full-back who drags his shot inches wide.

Somewhere Michel Platini is thanking his lucky stars that this tie isn’t completely dead in the water. Well…

FULL-TIME Schalke 0 Manchester 2. That’s all she wrote in Gelsenkirchen.

Matt Cooper goes there: “Both Giggs and Rooney score away from home tonight”.

Keown and Cas say Rooney is like ‘Platini’, ‘magisterial’ and a ‘lieutenant’.

Sounds like Napoleon.

The oldest footballers in Gelsenkirchen apart from Bobby Robson, veterans Giggs and Raul embraced warmly and swapped shirts which was touching I thought.

It’s like football’s version of Benjamin Button: “I’ll meet you in the middle, Ryan!”

Okay I’m out the gap. Thanks for your company. Give me a ring during the week and we’ll go for a spin at the weekend.

Niall will be back tomorrow evening for another liveblog and we’ll have the usual stuff from early tomorrow.